‘I don’t want a lot for Christmas. This is all Drew’s asking for. Clothes, a man, a bag, more presents. And some boobs to make you phwoar’
Dear Mr Santy Claus,
I know it’s almost Christmas. I know I’ve been good. And I’ve certainly bad! So here’s my list for Christmas.
1) A great big pair of boobs
Just a big pair of massive, voluptuous, bra popping, eye goggling, pair of boobs. The ones that don’t move, the ones that just sit there, the ones that never sag, and the ones that make men… The ones that needs more than one pair of hands, the ones that bounce when you dance.
So, Santa I would love a great big non-hairy pair of boobs!
2) A man
Just a nice, tall, dark, hairy, tattooed, bearded man!
You know the type of guy that is all over me like a rash, the type of guy that worships the ground I walk on, the one that brings me flowers. The one that only ever stares at you.
A guy who can laugh and not cry about how shit his life is. A guy who can actually make the time to call and text you to wish you good morning and goodnight. The type of guy that will buy you a great big diamond rock that you cant even lift of the ground.
So there you go Santa, I would love to have a real man.
3) A bag
Just a lovely leather skull studded great big bag.
You know the one I can carry all my crap in, like 50 types of gloss that I will never use. A bag I can carry old rail tickets in because I’m so lazy to throw them away. The kind of bag that I can find a spare £1 and 1p in. The kind of bag I can fit my life in.
The bag I can fit a bag into, and then another bag inside that. The kind of bag I can get my hand stuck in when there’s old chewing gum growing at the bottom of it.
A bag that is so cool it needs a bag of its own.
In brief, I’d love a bag that’s like a rucksack disguised as a handbag.
Just a lovely pair of 12" heeled shoes.
Ones I can break my neck in as I get overly dosed up on liver wrecking tequila.
The kind of shoes I can look like a stripper in but when you stand next to me you are practically talking to my belly button.
The kind of shoes I can be a giant in. So I can be taller than anyone in the clubs. The kind of shoes I can carry as my toes are crippled from the end of the night!
Please Santa, I would love a pair of stripper heels.
Loads of lovely, glossy brightly colored makeup.
The kind of makeup that comes in a heart shaped vanity case that has about 50 pulley outey drawers.
The kind of makeup that has 50 shades of blue, green, yellow, pink that I could slap on my face to look like an overly bad tranny. Oh wait I can check that one!
The kind of makeup that I can apply with those ‘lil heart-shaped brushes that can only hold one brush stroke at a time. The kind of makeup that I will never ever use in my life.
So Santa, I would love a great big vanity case of makeup that I will never use again.
And last but not least, Santa…
Just a bunch of overly-large clothes.
You know the kind of clothes that never fit or look remotely attractive.
The kind that has a huge reindeer on it. So the kind you will only ever be able to wear it for Christmas only and not even for the year after as reindeers will be so outta fashion.
The kind of clothes that just hang off you that you know there’s no receipts for.
The kind of clothes that you are forced to wear and have to parade over every social network site out of guilt.
So Santa, that’s my list. Can you please help?
From the blondie you loved sooo dearly last night.
PS Can you please bring my underwear back too!
Drew-Ashlyn Cunningham won hearts and won over minds against prejudice across the UK when she was one of the stars of Channel 4 show My Transsexual Summer. She now contributes regularly to Gay Star News.