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At what age does a gay man give up looking for love and resign to being single forever?

TV’s Graham Norton has said he feels like a failure for not being settled down with a significant other. Don’t put a sell-by date on yourself, says David Hudson

At what age does a gay man give up looking for love and resign to being single forever?
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Graham Norton says he's given up on the idea of a long-term partner

‘I’m 52 and I’m single and on some level I feel like I’ve failed because by the time you’re my age, you really should be settled.’

So said British TV host Graham Norton to the Daily Mail this week in an interview in which he suggested that he had resigned himself to being without a partner for the rest of his life.

‘I’ve reached the point that when people ask, “Are you single at the moment?” I say, “Come on, you can drop the ‘at the moment’. I’m single forever.”’

Norton’s words struck a chord with me, because – at the age of 46 – I too have wondered whether I am resigned to being single forever. Once you’ve reached a certain age and still seem no nearer tying the knot, one does begin to wonder.

It’s not that I’ve never been in relationships; I’ve been in plenty. In fact, there have probably been around a dozen boyfriends over the last 28 years, with periods of singledom between each one. My longest relationship was just over four years.

But I’m not getting any younger. And like an X Factor contestant who has just been shot down by Simon Cowell, it’s hard not to wonder sometimes whether one should actually be chasing a different dream.

I don’t feel it with a sense of panic, or last-minute desperation, but simply nonchalant resignation that perhaps it won’t happen for me.

‘There’s someone out there for everybody’, is an oft-repeated mantra of consolation. However, if that were true, everyone would eventually wind up in a relationship, right?

But they don’t. And it’s that eventual realization that perhaps leads some people – myself included – to simply give up on the whole idea.

I also don’t believe it’s simply a matter of luck. If one can pass through 30 years of adult life without finding a long-term partner – whilst living in a major metropolis – then there are usually reasons besides simply chance at not finding ‘the one’.

Norton ponders whether it’s because he has been a workaholic who has always put his career first.

Any analysis of one’s shortcomings is never a bad thing if it leads to beneficial change. In his seminal book, The Velvet Rage, writer Alan Downs touches upon how gay men often seek fame, success and recognition to compensate for a lack of self-esteem – having grown-up in a world which tells them a fundamental part of their character is shameful.

Others may have been scarred by previous brushes with love. Sometimes, the temptation to place one’s heart in cold storage is strong.

Been there. Tried it. Got hurt.

The motivation to once again climb aboard that particular emotional merry-go-round is simply absent.

At least, so I have been guilty of believing.

Maybe the advent of same-sex marriage has brought the issue to the fore. It’s fantastic that same-sex couples can now get married in many countries, and I’m hugely happy for all the people I know who have taken advantage of this fact.

In fact, I’m actually in awe of them. The notion of getting married has seemed to me about as remote as winning the Lottery; a wonderful thing that may happen one day but not something I’m holding my breath for.

I look upon couples I know who have been together 10, 15, 20 years with something approaching wonderment; do they always appreciate how valuable and precious a commodity they hold?

So, like Norton, I too had resigned myself to the fact that perpetual singlehood may be my default setting.

And then a few weeks ago I read a business book and was taken by a line. It quoted a 2014 book by Nancy Kline, in which she had written letters to a young god-daughter on how to find happiness in life.

‘Love is the text; all the rest is the footnote.’

Love is an antidote to all the bad stuff that life throws at you. Love brings happiness; comfort; safety. Love eliminates fear. Everything else pails in comparison. Success and money can’t compete.

I don’t know why exactly, but it struck me far harder than I was expecting. Perhaps because it was a surprise to find it tucked away at the end of a book about succeeding in business.

Or then again, maybe it just touched a deeper nerve within me – something that I had known but previously denied: You can live a full and happy life without a significant other but to determinedly turn your back on the option of love is to sell yourself short.

Yes, it sucks that the gay scene places such high value on muscles and youthful beauty and it’s little surprise that those who are older decide they can’t compete. And looking for love can be a frustrating and painful experience; rejection hurts. Sometimes it feels easier to resign one’s self to being alone.

But what a prize to turn one’s back upon.

In August, the celebrated neurologist Oliver Sacks died at the age of 82. Sacks realized he was gay as a teenager, but remained firmly in the closet. He was purposefully celibate for 35 years but found love late in life – meeting his partner, the writer Bill Hayes, when he was in his mid-70s. They were together until Sacks’ death.

Last month, a 96-year-old WWII veteran, John Banvard, married his partner Gerard Nadeau, age 67. The two have been together for two decades and married at the senior living facility in San Diego where they have lived for the past three years.

I may not be running around town looking for it – as I was in my 20s – but I’ve decided that I’ve not given up on love. My heart will remain open. I may indeed never marry, and am unlikely to ever celebrate a ruby wedding anniversary, but love is not the preserve of any age group.

The only sell-by date is the one you impose upon yourself.

@davidhudson_uk

David Hudson

David Hudson


HAVE YOUR SAY

    A most interesting read. I was in a relationship for 35 years, with my partner, nursing him during his last 4 years following a stroke. He died. That was 2 years ago and, as I will be 70 next year, I haven’t bothered with trying to find another partner or companion. I’m really just not interested and not unhappy about the situation. My friends are great company and the majority of them are single as well. Years ago friends were dying from AIDS but nowadays they are dying from AGE.

    Michael Cruz says:

    I’ve said it before and i will say it again,,, the guy who wrote this article is either in a happy monogamous relationship,, or a open relationship (which i do not understand) Or is actually one of those players who tells everyone,,”don’t look for it and it will happen ” He is handsome and doesn’t have to worry about being rejected because he is doing the rejecting and laughing about it i’m sure . I am so tired of guy’s like this writing article’s thinking they speak for every other gay man out there.

    David, thanks for this article. At 53, I have recently decided to get myself dry-cleaned and put together for another run at dating. You hit the nail on the head. We’re not middle-age, we’re awesome aged.

    Kevin Smith says:

    I’ve had the most amazing lovers for once 8 and now curently, 23 years…

    Never! Live your life, love your life! Gay, straight, young , old, be open to love. It will come.

    Sounds like what might happen to me, and I’m in New York 💀.

    At age 52 my partner and 80% of my friends died in the AIDS holocaust 25 yrs ago. your article fails to take that into consideration . I gave up a long time ago, I try to find joy in just being alive in 2017 the majority of my friends dont have that luxury. God this article on a cold Monday was so depressing . made me realize the few times I have been with someone I was still alone and I am going to be alone for the rest of my life ..

    To be honest, I’m 24, a lesbian & very mature for my age group.i also have that “good guy” personality which really kills my chances. I have given up finding love in my 20s. In my rainbow world, you have to be sexy, very good looking & have a six pack to get a decent girl that won’t cheat on you. I’m average but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I deserve just as good a love as those studs do. Tired of looking & if it finds me it does, but I will always be open to it & will love the life I can have instead of hope for something that may never come

    Brian Burke says:

    I thought about writing an article similar to this, and I appreciate the author sharing it for publication so we can read and know we are not alone. However, I kinda disagree with him. I gave up on love over the last two years. I am 36, live in a rural college town, and have never had a boyfriend. I’ve f*cked around, but no actual, authentic lovers. I got emotionall scarred once in college. A gay twink with no soul drove me to the point where I almost murdered him, but thankfully I chose my freedom and soul over strangling him with my bare hands. I never laid a finger on him since I thought not hurting him made me a better person, but that’s a totally different story. At this point in my life, I’ve decided that love results in far more pain and suffering than it will probably ever be worth. Gay guys should probably be avoid to keep drama and shit out of my life, since most gay guys have many issues that they allow to affect them and those around them. I gave up on love and see my fellow gay guys with disdain and little more than future dissappointments if I were to give them a chance. Am I happy? No. Has my life improved by giving up on what I can’t have? Well, the jury is still kind of out on that question, but so far, the answer seems to be, ‘yes.’

    Graham Norton is Irish and NOT British.

    I was 64 when I met Jeff. After 8 years together we were married last year. I’ll be 73 in March. It’s never too late to love someone. You’re only 52? At that age I had just lost my lover of 11 years, Charles, to AIDS. Then I had affairs with 5 different men and 2 women until I met Jeff. The affairs lasted from 6 months to 2 years. Jeff and I have been together so far for 9 years.

    It’s stupid at nearly 32 that I kinda had the same feelings thinking I’d maybe be single forever. The old adage of ‘stop looking for love and you’ll find it’ hasn’t worked. I just ended up not having dates. I believe you have to really put yourself out there and be open to possibilities without thinking ‘that person just doesn’t look quite my type’. I think especially in the gay community where we self label ourselves jocks, cubs, bears etc and we’re only looking for a certain type. This year I plan to just have fun dates and hopefully it’ll lead to something. Sometimes we place too much pressure on ourself to ‘find the one’

    While this doesn’t apply to a lot of people, there are many gay men who end up being single because, well, they do spend a bit too much of their lives partying and screwing everything that moves rather than trying to develop anything meaningful with anyone. Of course, that’s fine and dandy. But if someone wants to ‘eventually’ settle down, they might want to reconsider spending decades on end thriving on the hookup culture. If they DO want to eventually find a permanent someone, the loneliness will eventually hit (probably once they’re at an age where they’re no longer always the hottest person in the club). I guess my advice to those who do like partying/hooking up/whatever is to continue having fun, of course, but remain open to something a bit more meaningful than a random backseat blowjob. After all, someone may say “I’ll settle down when I’m like 35” when they’re 32 without realizing that those three years will probably go by faster than they think and that they’ll probably need to be a bit more open to actual relationships (without settling for someone they don’t honestly like, that is). I’ve known A LOT of people who – and these are their words – “found the perfect guy but I’m only in my 30s, I don’t want to date anyone.” I’m always like “honey, if he’s that perfect, don’t just shag him and send him on his way!” 😂

    I think That It is not really a question ok being gay or not. It is for sure that our way of life changed so quickly. People belong to the ZAPPING generation. They are always running after happiness and eventhough they find it, they re not able to catch it. People say ” I LOVE YOU” easier that before but they don’t know what LOVE is. People suffers from materialism and supeficilaty. Perhaps if we were more respecting our own body and soûl, we would be able to love truly and for such à long time that less people would single!!!

    Well hell….I got several strikes against me…1. I’m in my mid 40s 2. I’m overweight 3. I do drag. However, I’m enjoying my life with a stable job, a nice home and a great supportive family. I think one key is to quit trying to have love and enjoy the present. On the other hand, I’ve seen MANY relationships go down the tubes because of infidelity, abuse, open relationships and what not. And sometimes we look at people and think “How do they have a relationship and I don’t?” We must admit that relationships in the LGBT community, for the most part, don’t last long. Personally, give me a dog to play with, a good movie, a peaceful environment and I’ll be just as happy by myself.

    This is stupid. Shouldn’t it just be men in general?

    I’m free Graham Norton!

    Dev Kay says:

    This is honestly so heartbreaking to read these comments and this article. I found the love of my life and that’s so rare to find. We don’t talk to other men. Flirt. Or anything. We are completely monogamous. I don’t even associate myself with the gay community and that’s why I got rid of all the bullshit. Gay guys need to realize that you can’t be hitting on other men, texting, flirting with other men. If you want to, that’s fantastic. Then remain single forever. Be monogamous. COMPLETELY monogamous. That’s a term the gay community doesn’t understand and unfortunately being single is the consequence.. gay youth needs to be smart with how they appear to others. Don’t throw your body around and demand to find a prince. I legit stayed a virgin till marriage and although it was hard… I still kept my morals. And that’s what I got in return, a beautiful traditional, soulmate.. Dating apps do not work in the gay world. You’re not going to find a Prince Charming on a promiscuous app like Grindr. So I suggest deleting it, that’s going to bring your level a little up… don’t treat yourself that low to even have an app like that.. You attract what you give out. Don’t act like a devil and expect an angel. I hope EVERYONE finds love on this thread. Much love.

    We are all not the same, some of us will have life partners, and that’s great but the ones that decide and choose to remain single that’s great also, I have always said I prefer to the lonely on those few occasions than be with someone and wish that every moment of the day the person that lives with me would leave, what a waste of your life all that time spent and in the end wanting to be alone. Choose what makes you happy and forget how green is the grass on the otherside of the fence.

    I gave up on finding a partner (and embraced acceptance of a content and happy life) at age 50. Two months ago I met a man, who said he was in love with me and we had a whirlwind romance until I was forced to admit that I, too, was IN LOVE. I’m now on my third try at no contact with my ex, whose words and actions turned out to be based on lies and deceit. Yes, I’m crushed and I’ve cried more than I care to mention, BUT at age 56 I realize that I was once again able to not only love another, but say “I love you” and mean it. This, after 34 years of so many relationships. I trust that time will heal my heart, but when I return to the land of the living, I know that it’s not yet time to put me in mothballs and I’m going to put myself out there. I know there are good men just like me out there just waiting for the right man to say, “hello.”

    JJ Strunce says:

    Love really is the text . Surround yourself with people who care about you and whom you care about. Nurture those relationships and continue growing new ones. That is the secret to never growing old alone. Perhaps one or some of those people will be partners. Perhaps none. But love is love and it really is what sustains us. The rest is footnotes.

    Rion Locke says:

    I was fortunate to have met my husband when I was 17 and he was 18. We both grew up Mormon and leaned on each other to go through the experience of our family struggling to accept. It happened early on with my parents but Richards parents went the other way and became more fanatic. His mother recently passed away and his father actually told me he loved me recently. That they had been wrong and regret the path they pursued. Sad that all those years were wasted. We are in our 43rd year together. It has had twists and turns. We were good friends before any intimacy occurred. We worked together and I couldn’t quite figure out if he was gay. One night I finally asked him what he would do if I kissed him. He told me to try it and find out Our sex life has changed over the years. I am definitely more sexual then him, but we make compromises to make us both happy Sex becomes less meaningful in my opinion when deep love isn’t there as well. I feel bad that so many gay men don’t experience that. Most of our gay single friends are more into Mr Right Now then Mr Right . Gay men are more like ” oh wait he’s sexier” and need egos fed. I get it that there are beautiful men with beautiful bodies. Sexual encounters involving others together can satisfy that. I’m 58 and for a couple of months he is two years older. We used to laugh thinking about us as two old men together. Now I can’t imagine it any other way

    Ive given up the greatest gift is I never feel lonely Im really sad that it has never and will never happen because it’s simple I don’t need it or want it i am perfectly fine on my journey

    All I can say is that everything in a relationship is give and take. There can’t be one taker and the other guy does the giving. It just won’t work.

    Ben Pokidin says:

    I’m only in my early 30’s and I’ve given up. Every relationship I’ve been in I’ve been hurt in some way or another. I look at all the people I see in relationships around me and there aren’t any of them that don’t pic up a third or stray from each other at times whether they know it or not. I don’t want that. I don’t trust men anymore. Not enough to devote myself to it. Repeat actions and promiscuousness over the years has honestly made me loose faith that gay men can not happily be together for long periods of time without straying from the nest. I don’t doubt that there are some great guys out there, but there far and few from where I am and I’m not willing to put myself through all that pain and heartache getting hurt along the way in my search for the perfect man. I’ve been single many years and I’m comfortable and happy with that. I’d rather live alone that disrupt my life with unnecessary dramas. My walls have been broken so many times and each time they have been rebuilt they have gone higher and higher. Now they’re so high that No ones getting in and although yes I do miss snuggles and hugs I do find myself not invited guys to stay the night because it’s actually uncomfortable having a second person in my bed it’s been that long. I don’t know if my mister right is out there or not, but he may have missed the boat because I gave up on that a long time ago and now it just makes me cringe … 😖 Wow that rambled on a bit. Sorry lol

    Chris Barry says:

    I am 51 yrs old and have been in love 3 times the longest being for 4 yrs. love hurts. Period. I have the happy problem of being happy as a single man. There in lies the chalenge.

    Eric Kugler says:

    I think it depends on the person.

    Eric Kugler says:

    I once heard that marriage is finding the best person that is willing to put up with the worst of you. Relationships are the hardest thing you will ever do. You need to realize this. You also need to realize Mr. Right may not exist, but you can still find Mr. Pretty Damn Awesome. Many whom end up single forever are those that are looking for such a narrow field of “datable.” Sometimes it is about expanding that.

    Randy Mattox says:

    This is crazy. There is no age where love cannot find you.

    All this wittering about ‘ love’ is not really helping things. Gay men’s problem is not an inability to find love but an inability sustain relationships. Doing this requires patience, understanding, trust, putting aside one’s own ego and realism, amongst other things. It is also, it must be said, much harder for gay men to meet compatible partners, as the the forums that bring straight people together, work, family, community, are cut off to most gay men. These are real issues that must be addressed if gay men’s troubles with relationship can be dealt with. Chasing after the romantic, and romanticised, concept of true love as thing that this will solve all is naive. The idea of lifelong, monogamous married life based on ‘love’ is something of a nineteenth century invention and something which most people then, and now find difficulty in sustaining. It’s near universality in this country in the first half of the 20th century being something of a brief interlude. Gay men’s assumption of it as straight people move away from it is odd.

    Chad Taylor says:

    I have been single for…14 years now. I’ve stopped looking and have focused on my career to keep myself sane and busy. Am I happy? I guess that’s debatable; but outwardly, I’m blessed and no one really bugs me about it. I don’t subscribe to the “there’s someone for everyone” rhetoric. That’s what people say to make you (and themselves) feel better…and hearing those words doesn’t really help. Just live your life and let things fall where they may. Focus on the blessings and not solely the storms.

    I’m 31. Since I turned 18 and came out, I’ve had three serious relationship. Each one was different but each only lasted 2-3 years and ended badly. I’ve been single since 2012 and it is terribly lonesome at times and frustrating trying to meet people. I can relate to this article and at 31 have resigned myself to being alone forever because I’m not “skinny”, “muscular” or “cute” enough. I’m sure “the one” is out there, it’s become increasingly harder to find him though.

    I’m 60 and have never known love. I’ve decided that some people were just meant to be alone and I’m one of them.

    Michael Lee says:

    i found the man of my dreams at 46, never give up hope of the believe that you deserve hapiness – what ever that may look like 😉

    Kyle Furness says:

    Well I think your a hot 46 yr old 😉

    Sonam Dubal says:

    thank you for the article.no gayman should give up hope looking for a partner.. start with yourself and soon you will find the other.. its the responsibility and commitment that is what we fear but once you understand it.. life begins.. xxso

    Mark Urick says:

    So never give up hope

    Mark Urick says:

    I have a friend who met his now husband 15 years ago when he turned 60

    Mark Urick says:

    When I was 34 I met my life partner of now 24 years. Before I met him, I came to the realization that if I was going to be alone the rest of my life, then it was ok.

    Some very interesting points in the article, but more so in comments. I am 60 this year and a wonderful man. I know that I have been good and kind all my life. I am a successful professional and though not rich have all life’s blessings, but the one man to love. I do fine being single. It’s the thought of dying alone that gets me upset the most. Hugs

    I have felt these sentiments many times over the last few years. I to have been in and out of relationships over the last 30 years the longest lasted seven. I am a happy well adjusted person who is successful in my career and have surrounded myself with wonderful friends and family who love and care about me and fulfill me. I’m not “looking” for a relationship, however I do long for that best friend, confidant and adventurer to spend the rest of my days with. I’m 46 and have barely lived half my life. I continue to believe as you do it will come eventually and I will remain open to the possibility. Thanks

    Glen Cheda says:

    Guess I’m not alone in this. After my husband & partner of 27 years died, I’ve yet to get back to dating. At 60 years of age while still feeling vital, I’m reluctant to put myself out there.

    Greg Gondron says:

    Attend the new warrior training adventure/gateway for gay/bi/trans men. This was evolutionary and brought awareness, connection and evolution into consciousness!

    Hal Warning says:

    At 52 I’ve decided it’s not in the cards for me either. At a certain age you become sorta set in your ways. It would take a very special person to get me into another relationship. But I’m still very happy with my big circle of friends. I seldom feel lonely.

    24 i gave up and never been happier

    Lance Miller says:

    I’ve been single for 4 years and turn 50 this year. I have no plans to stop looking.

    I agree with Darren Andrychuk that life itself is the cake and icing comes in many forms. I will turn 53 in April , I’m happy with my life, friends, family and pets. While I haven’t given up on the idea I may find that special someone one day, Im perfectly happy how things are. If it happens it happens. If not , I will still have a full life. Ones sense of happiness and well being shouldn’t rely on others. Make your own

    Andy Ross says:

    I think the world of Grindr and quick hook ups are partially to blame, it’s seems crazy to me that people know the sexual preferences, cock size, fetishes and have swapped pictures of such before even meeting or talking face to face: gone is the rapport building, getting to admire someone before sleeping with them or even knowing their name! It’s all quick gains without any effort!

    It’s a choice .. whatever makes you happy . If you’re in a relationship.. you make it work . Do not dismiss it Cause you think there are a million fishes in the sea . Stop looking for perfection . Look for a partner who respects you . Sex is great but that also gets old if that’s the only basis of a relationship you’re looking for .

    Jim Williams says:

    I’m 50 and I’ve been single for a while now. I still believe I can find love again. I’ve had several relationships over 5 years and others over a year. Life is what you make it and if you project dark clouds you get rain. If you put out sunshine and love you will get it back multiplied. All these negative Nancys out there giving up are probably doing so because they haven’t been projecting happiness within themselves. It bothers me when my gay brothers and sisters try to label us as other and throw around the ‘heteronormative’ word as if we should be alone our whole lives and or just be promiscuous or alone. Do your thing by all means, but we are all different. If you want to be a Grindr guy then do that and bless you, but there are those of us who believe in love and have known it before. It’s not a fairy tale only for straight people. Just do you and don’t try to make others miserable because you are. I’m single, I finally love myself and I’m happy, but I still think there could be another great love of my life. My first partner/husband died, we were together until the end of his life. I thought I’d never find love again and I did. Nothing is impossible.

    Are we only able to love?

    I’m coming up on 30 in a few months, and still haven’t had a relationship that lasted even a year. Good read, but I feel like my chances are exponentially lower being trans. Transguys who’ve been in relationships with cismen keep telling me “they’re out there” but, where? I moved across the country, in part for a better dating pool (mostly for college, though), but still nothing.

    Stay open and vulnerable and attractive. And it could happen to u. I found the love of my life at 54

    Take heart little campers! I met my darling hubby in 18 years ago at age 40. Luckiest day of my life!

    Well I always loved the line NEVER LOOK FOR LOVE IT WILL FIND YOU well now starting my 17 year single I can say I have never searched for it in all that time but yet the only guys that sniff around me are the guys at are already taken and this time next year I will start my 18th year single and I am happy and content with it but that damn knight has rusted somewhere

    I am 46 and single. There is nothing wrong with being fussy, I am happy and single. I have seen too many people settle for someone they are not really happy with, just to avoid being alone. Yes, having company is great but I’m not willing to compromise myself to be with someone I don’t really want to be with. I continue to search for Mr Right, any offers…..? �������

    Andy Simmons says:

    Love yourself. The rest will follow.

    Mark Seeto says:

    I really appreciate this article. Thank you

    I have been single for 17 years now. I am 54. I have not given up on love. But I do not go out on clubs anymore. I have other interests now.. I CAN live without a partner for the rest of my Life and still enjoying Life. But I am open if HE shows up..

    Mark Xchurch says:

    I am 53 and was in a relationship for 20 years, and have been single for nearly12 years. What bothers me most is when other people fret about it. I did give up a lot leaving a relationship but found I just couldn’t grow (up) in the shadow of a high achiever. I am doing so much that I have always wanted to do and only worry about being single about once a month. Don’t close your mind to finding love again and don’t rely on it.

    Sam Palmer says:

    I’m a middle aged man and never expected to find love until I came to New York last September and met a younger American of Irish and El Salvadorian descent. It began as a Grindr date and now we’re discussing marriage and starting a family. Moral of the story always remain open to the possibility of a relationship and … cast the net wide!

    Ramon Kroutz says:

    I agree. I’m 34 and I’ve already made peace with the fact that I’ll be alone forever. I always aimed that as you grow older that the men would be more appreciation. But I was wrong. I hope you’ll be lucky enough to find the one.

    I read this article right when I needed it.

    David Horne says:

    I’m 51 and I met the love of my life 18 months ago at the ripe old age of 49 1/2. Never stop looking just don’t make it the be all and end all of everything.

    I’m single at 42. Done hook ups and flings but still hoping to find my perfect partner whom i can live and love for the rest of my life.. tired of being single.. hopeful to find my perfect match soon..

    Jay Sal says:

    I’ll be 44 this year and have been single for approximately 5 years now. I have had no problem finding hookups, but Inhave not find anyone interested in a committed relationship. Even guys in my age group have answered me, when I bring up the subjects, that they are not looking for a relationship. This has been very frustrating for me. I do not understand how satisfying physical needs is enough for some people. But I will not give up. I want and will find my forever man!

    Like this article. Ive been single eversince. I am also thinking about how to have one.

    Joshua Sears says:

    I have the worst luck with men. Not fitting into their ideal molds,and honestly I’m guilty of it too. Dating is hard. The very definition of relationships are changing. Hook ups and apps are the ways to meet people even if for a brief moment. The idea that I’m unlovable or will go my life without it are hard to swallow, especially since I know I’m a catch. The problem isn’t always the individual, sometimes it really is the other people. The ones who say they aren’t looking to date, well when they say no I have had to learn to change how I hear that. Instead of hearing smething is wrong with me they don’t like, I try to tell myself that they are telling me they aren’t right for me and it’s ok. I’m also poz. While some guys are educated the vast majority of guys fleee. This is not something I can control. I hope to meet someone great one day cause at 30 and no relationships to count in the last, I wouldnt bet on those odds, but every year that goes by without me meeting someone I have grown. In the end it will be the kind of person we create for ourselves. I say it takes a lot for someone to grow that on their own.

    had 3 long term relationships, all 3 passed away, and at 86 years old thought my romantic life was over. Wrong. I met this beautiful 59 year old man that is the most wonderful man in the whole world. We were married legally, he changed hisname to mine legally, and there are no two happier people da had 3 long term relationships, all 3 passed away, and at 86 years old thought my romantic life was over. Wrong. I met this beautiful 59 year old man that is the most wonderful man in the whole world. We were married legally, he changed hisn da and there are no two happier people in this world than us………………………………………………………………………………. Jerry Rustlerb y

    A great read I was driving this morning to the grocery with Samed (my handicap dog)sitting next to me in her permanent child’s seat perched on the front seat passenger side, as I watched her looking out the window a thought passed through my mind ” What would it feel like to have a life partner or even a boyfriend occupying that seat on a Sunday morning drive to the grocery instead of Samed ?” I’ve been single for such a long time not seriously been with someone since my 13 year relationship ended in 2009 I fell abut sad for a moment then thought well Anthony it’s ok maybe you won’t ever have that special someone to grow older with, at 53 years old I don’t go out to the gay bars any longer I’ve tried social media dating to no avail it’s not my screen to hook up for a quickie then see if dinner might be in order, I’m a romantic at heart and enjoy the getting to know you phase as well as the flirtation that seems to have all but disappeared. But before anyone says oh Anthony you’ll find someone or to feel sad for me,read the attached article to get a better understanding of what I think all of us go through Gay or Straight, in the mean time I’ve not given up on love and romance, heck I’m even shopping for a back seat car seat for Samed to ride in for when the passenger side seat is occupied by that special man ❤️

    I’m 50 and I’m a cake without icing – but I’m a very happy man because I’ve accepted that I do not need a partner to complete me or to validate me. My journey is about touching souls and filling my heart with the wonders life has to offer. So if icing comes along – I’ll ice the cake (hell I might even venture to put two candles on it), otherwise I’m done. 😊✨🍰

    I’m 49 and November 25, 2016 my husband who I married last December 30,2015 in Miami Florida , we will celebrate 30 years together. We are deeper in love than ever before! It takes a lot of compromise and commitment to last this long, but I’m thourougly happy with this journey that I am apart of. To each his own on how you decide to find love or be single and have a million one night stands. I love sleeping and cuddling with my beautiful husband All Night Long wrapped in his Arms. Don’t knock it until you experience it first hand. ❤️

    Robert Young says:

    Sounds like my story too, I’m almost 51, haven’t dated in a little over 10 years, lots of boyfriends while I was younger. I just ride the roller coaster of “I’ll never date again, I wish I had a date” from month to month.

    Rene Barcia says:

    I am 64 and not give up looking for love…

    52 single and generally happy! ITS NOT YOU, ITS ME, I HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN MEN ! 😜

    64 and still no match. This articule gives me some hope that I might still find him, or finds me.

    Tony Barnett says:

    A great article thank you David for sharing your thoughts. Guess i’m lucky only had two relationships, the first lasted 24 years, the second which still ongoing 14 years & in LOVE

    Robert Lee says:

    I’ve been single since 1999, dated one other person for about 3 weeks in 2000. That’s it. Everyone else has been a series of one date or 2 dates that didn’t work out. The age of the internet has been a blessing and a curse. More a curse – because everyone is so into their phone and texting all the time that they don’t even pay attention even when on the date. Just because u can contact someone 24/7 doesn’t mean you SHOULD. It is infuriating. Growlr, Grindr, Plenty of Fish, bars, nothing works. All these places are meant for quick hookups. Any mention of trying to find something long term leads to the other person getting scared away. And if they are into dating, they want to make sure that you are the perfect person for them even before meeting. They want you to be the snow boarding, outdoor rugged activity-doing, Crossfit-laden, perfect boyfriend all rolled up into a neat package before you even say hello. Sorry, it doesn’t work like that. How it works is you meet and see if you even jive talking one on one without ANY distractions. But alas, they aren’t “into that.” For all I care, they can stay in their popper-filled, cocaine-snorting, drama-filled, dysfunctional fuckery selves home and out of my damn life.

    Steve Moores says:

    One must learn that their is no perfect person. To truly love, and be loved in return Is to accept the person unconditional, with all the good the bad and the indifferent. Ones life can be so much better with that special person by their side. I long for that.

    Most gay men won’t marry or even have sustained relationships. That doesn’t mean they won’t have full lives.

    Heinz Voss says:

    For those who are like me who attract toxic users with baggage, buckle up you are in for a wild ride. At age 24 I came to the US in 1987 (I’m almost 54 now) to live with my partner. Turned out he was HIV+, couldn’t handle it, and had to leave town before I arrived, because he had every guy in town, then infected me with the virus only to die on me 8 months after my arrival in the Promise Loan. I grew up as an Apostolic Christian (Kim Davis, KY court clerk who refused to marry 2 gay guys is an Apostolic Christian), so, here I was didn’t have enough money to return to Germany, so I married a fag hag. Didn’t date much for almost 20 years, but then decided with the help of a therapist (I live now in San Francisco) to date again, and wouldn’t you know it, the guys I dated where 90% toxicity [from their own baggage], and 10% sarcasm – IMPOSSIBLE to have a relationship with. I, too, am looking with awe at those guys who have managed to get hitched – congrats, brothers.

    Paul D Wolfe says:

    We should probably take a look at why we have been conditioned to be in a relationship or feel unfulfilled when not it one. Straight people would traditional follow a path of relationship, marriage and kids etc and have benchmarks or milestsones. Gay people have been conditioned to follow these too and some do. But you don’t have to, there is nothing wrong with being single. With regards to youth and muscles that happens in all walks of life but that is also something you don’t have to live up to and most people don’t anyway. You may notice gay guys with muscles in a club because they propbably have their tops off, take another look around at the guys who don’t and maybe take a look at what’s good in your life. I’ve been single forever and plan to stay that way untill convinced otherwise.

    Danilo Monno says:

    I’m 34. When I was in my early twenties, I had a relationship, my very first, that scarred me for life. It lasted four years through few highs and many lows, and even after it was over, we stayed friends with benefits up until a couple of years ago. I’ve never been able to fall in love ever since, even when I found someone I truly liked. Plus, I don’t find myself attractive. I feel like I better resign myself to singlehood and never think about love ever again.

    neve r give up just stop lookimg at the cute little boys

    Being monogamous and having been with very few partners is kind of a draw back for most gay men. I think it would be a ton easier if gay guys could learn to have monogamous relationships as that has been the number one deal breaker for me. The number 2 deal breaker is the negative trash talk that a lot of gay men think is funny, but isn’t. I was in a ten year relationship and ended it because of the outta school trash talking, be nice. Most of us don’t realize when we are younger the emphasis that our community puts on age and body, It is worse than the pressure females expertience and once you hit 30 it is like you died. After my boyfriend and I broke up I would get a tone of dates but the second one of my gay friends got jealous, he would pull out the age card ” but he looks fabulous for 50, really. Thatlast part has been the kicker and what makes me be done with it all, wwhen you can date someone for months and then they see your ID or friends pull out the age card. I no longer will accept an invitation from anyone under 40 for the above mentioned reason. It sucks looking young for your age, because the guys my age think I am too young based on appearance so it is a catch-22. I won’t lie about my age, I don’t talk about it. When I was younger I would exxagerate my age by five yesrs to the higher, to get used to the milestone birthdays 30,35,40 and 50. You get way more compliments saying age older than you are and I think that has helped maintain my youyjful appearnce and demeanor.

    Mitch Savar says:

    Part of the problem is the dating pool of the 50-70 year old. We lost many gay men in that age group at the onset of aids/hiv. Many us feel that if we are approached by someone half our age we somehow feel we are now sugar daddies and that is not the type of love we want. My last relationship was 7 years and passed in 2012. I would love to be in a relationship again but I have learned not to look for it. We all know when the chemistry is right and once that happens the relationship is inevitable. I know many can relate to your article as I do and thank you for sharing.

    Luke Legende says:

    To be fair, David (Hudson), you’re extremely attractive. I’m not going to pretend to know your life or your circumstances, but I feel like it should be clarified that a big part of your being single may have nothing to do with your age, but rather your particular standards for other men (which you should have). But gay men should stop trying to blame age. Me being someone who is younger (25) and has been single for a very long time, being shot down by many people in my area simply because of my looks not being up to a certain standard, it does tend to annoy me when older, more attractive men talk about being bothered by being single and blame their age, when they have an upperhand and are more likely to get a boyfriend than me. Maturity and success are more valued these days. The 90s and 00s are over. And unfortunately, my age means nothing anymore.

    Brown Letua says:

    I too have come to a place where I am fine with myself. I’m turning 40 this year and know that if it happens it happens…and if not I’m ok with it too. I’ll have my heart open to love but not actively pursing it. I saw a meme that totally spoke to me which said, .”I’m at an age where I’m like, are we doing this now cause I got shit to do? “

    I’m 82, single again, and would like to find a partner.

    I’m 34 and never been in a relationship. All hookups. It was fun until a couple of years ago, now the pain of being single is worse than a thousand bee stings. It all stemmed from low self-esteem. Now I find myself wanting to punch every couple I see hold hands. Bachelorhood is like a deep wound.

    Ken Kohler says:

    I am 69 and I too relate to the article. I live in Calif. and one sad thing I have found that has been affirmed by other seniors is that the people who are under 30 don’t want us in the tribe. It is terrible to be discriminated against by your own culture but there it is. To make things worse older gays don’t want age appropriate men but rather someone that is about 20 years or more younger than they are. At my age I know the best I can hope for is to be a sugar daddy or a caregiver. I was caregiver to my late ex-wife and don’t want to do that again. I have too few years left. A sugar daddy is definitely out, I don’t believe people should use each other. I don’t think that is loving. For me I have come to the conclusion that life is like a crap shoot and I crapped out where love is concerned. It is a great sadness for me but I have resigned myself to it.

    Chris Guier says:

    Interesting piece. I can definitely relate.

    Daniel Day says:

    First-He is Irish, not English. And I also can relate to this.

    Lynn McCarty says:

    I so relate myself. I am now 66 and people say I look more like 45 lol. Everytime I try to meet someone it just don’t happen.

    Suz DeMello says:

    As a straight-ish divorced woman, what struck me about the article is the similarly of experience…all of us suffer as a result of the youth – worshipping culture. All of us long – term singletons long for love and suffer through the dry spells and yes, give up or struggle to maintain hope.

    I say never give up i am 69 gay and think i have at last found Mr Right it is early days yet he as asked me to move in with him he is younger than me by about 20 years

    Jon Haywood says:

    Seriously. Stop playing to the gay mantra of “normal people should be in relationships”. There is NO NORM – dont let what the mass majority does as being the expected route to go. Some people are meant to be in relationships, some are not. It’s NOT a disability being single (Im tired of those sympathetic ‘head tilt’s when people discover I’m single) and for many people we’re perfectly happy being able to be content with being single.

    I’ll be 40 in a few months. When I compare my rather relaxed Ego now to my very depressive Ego back when I was 20, I am actually quite happy about the personal development I’ve been accomplishing. I also try to no longer drown myself in my “mistakes” of years gone by. Authenticity in oneself can be trained. Actually, in a rather joyful process. Authenticity as a couple can not be forced. I’ve had a few “attempts” of relationships. As long as you only “attempt” to make it happen, it is forced to crash anway. I am single. Perhaps I will stay single. Life is good. As soon as you no longer “attempt” to live it. But just live it. Very authentic article. Thanks for sharing.

    Allan Davis says:

    The only limitations we have are the ones we put on ourselves. If you tell yourself you’re a failiure for being single at a certain age, then you are. Stop thinking that you have to have achieve something by a certain age. As a man of 51 I still say that I have my whole life ahead of me and I do. I’m not giving up on myself or the possibilty that someone wonderful will come into my life. Single at 51, do I feel like a failiure? Absolutely not.

    I’m 31 but I like mature man around 50 🙂

    I have a sister who says she’s happy being single forever, but I’m not made that way. After a couple of short term relationships, I met my current husband at 30 year of age, and I’ll be 56 this year. We’ve been together 25 plus years, married almost 3. We don’t really have that much in common superficially. He hates horror movies, which I love. I love alternative rock music; he likes classical. But from the beginning, I saw how cute and sweet he was, and love him right away. We were platonic best friends, dating other people for a year, before we finally became lovers. I’d say the hardest years were the earliest, but now, in our 50s, things are pretty wonderful. He’s still stubborn and pig headed, but who cares? He knew my parents, who are gone, and he’s a beautiful wonderful man and perfect for me. So if one is inclined towards partnerhood, I’d advise not giving up, but I’d also suggest not being too particular or picky or unforgiving of faults, which we all have.

    Eric Ruiz says:

    Don’t give up! I won’t…. ❤️ Is out there for us single guys!

    You didn’t ask me, Graham.

    BK Martin says:

    I’m 55, I’ve never had a boyfriend, my last relationship with a woman ended 25 years ago and I’ve only had a handful of dates since. I’m done. I’m too old, beat up, tired and set in my ways to think about a disruption now.

    I’m single and happy and Loving it

    Vicky ML says:

    Im 18 years old im pure gay. II knw that love waits us but thts not how age we r in … Love can happen in any time,in any age. In another life Love’s never too late… We think it late. I fal in love with many pplz everytime but temporarily. But remember it takes two to start and end up the story

    David…I love your article and I’m sure many can relate, however…we are as similar yet different from one another as any other group of people, whether gay or other…at age 65 I have now a closer understanding of this that you can know…briefly, my first love occurred at age 7 and that ended abruptly when my family moved. This moving was to become something of a bad habit, yet I had a new boyfriend wherever we were which necessarily ended each time we moved. As a teenager, we had established ourselves permanently and suddenly, and as I grew older, the relationships became more intence…particularly in the high school years. I was always very clear about my proclivity and tended to fall in love at the drop of a hat. Anyway, I had the misfortune, from the age of 17 to 20, to fall for boys who would eventually leave me to marry women…bizarrely in my opinion. I then lived for 7 years within an abusive relationship until I ended it after falling in love with a complete stranger on holiday. We eventually got together and lived very happily for 16 years, He died in 1996.- I was 45. For many years I had no desire to even consider a long-term relationship although I would eventually begin to yearn for the closeness I had known. I just didn’t know what to do about it. Many gay people might very well prefer to live alone but it’s my belief that just like everyone, we desire affection and intimacy. To conclude, just like you, I haven’t given up on it…on the other hand, I’m grateful for what I’ve had.

    Many gay men will never have meaningful relationships. So what?

    Korbel Reis says:

    OK so I read your article late.. Late is better than never.

    I say this: HAVE FUN AND BE OPEN. If you’re single all your life then good for you, you had many lovers, and if you are in a relationship, you found a lover. If you look at it that way it’s a win-win for all.

    Maybe not be a cunt, is probably the first thing I’d suggest working on.

    I’m 28 and feel like it’s hopeless sometimes. I’ve only had a couple boyfriends and in both cases, things fizzled out after less than a year. And being in a smaller Southern town, I kinda feel like meeting any gay guys is impossible sometimes in the first place . I dunno, maybe I’ll find someone one day. I’m trying to at least work on myself for now though.

    Ethan Marc says:

    There’s always someone just like YOU out there. Only a poor attitude would stop you from meeting him. In the meantime, just have fun!

    Gordon Ross says:

    Oh my God…..I wrote this same story in my head years ago………thanks for putting this in print….

    I think that this could be for anyone. I am a lesbian 52 years I who had decided I was going to be single rest of my life

    I’m 53 now a 5 yr. widower and after a 12 yr. partnership, I can say I could go single for the rest of my life, it’s hard to find that same love you had with a person times change for us guys.

    Wait until you reach 61 and are still dealing with all the nut jobs on pick up sites. I think I will take up flower arranging

    Boyd Petrie says:

    I’m 36 and have only been in one relationship and it only lasted about 3 months. I had longer relationships in prison, curiously enough, but I don’t count those. I’m actually okay with not finding anyone. It was mostly my fault for always wanting something out of my reach.

    Ron Schimpf says:

    One does not have to have a partner for love, making love yes but to give and receive love no just a willingness to be opened to it. I am one of those in a long term relationship that most likely will be until death do we part. Am just finishing my last chemo treatment and wow the support I have received is extremely overwhelming. I am 50 have friends gay, bi, straight, transgender, from the ages of 6 – 99 years from all walks of life – homeless to the very wealthy. They have shown true compassion and empathy and love, and I have tried my best to return it and to initiate as well. Graham Norton never please give up you have so much to offer many and that one, besides you are a very attractive male. Be true to you and honest with the one. I am stubborn have way to many faults and wonder how someone could put up with me and my behaviours but by being honest and communicating my / our relationship works and yes he is a workaholic something that urks and impresses me but it is part of him and I choose to love him so part and parcel. Please keep yourself open to Love.

    Guy Smith says:

    Very well said. And hopeful. There is benefit in being single and being able to cultivate yourself without reliance/focus on someone else 👍🏼😎👍🏼

    KP Willett says:

    Jim Le James. The intent of my post was to offer a generalized alternative to what had originally been posted. The intent was to do exactly what you asked, give men an opportunity to live life as they see fit.

    KP Willett says:

    Michael Oberon Anthony Manzano you are very welcome. Very kind of you to say.

    KP Willett says:

    Ernesto Valente Guerrero There is hope. Thank you so much for your reply. Your’s is the demographic I was writing to. At my sound old age of 58, I look at all things differently than I did at my fearful, unclear, unknowing age of 23. There was no possible way I knew what was right for me when I was that young. I wish I would have had and would have followed my own advice then. But, I didn’t, and life still worked out good, so I don’t complain. What I will say to you is this. 1. What other people think of you is none of your business. Those chemical reactions that occur in their brains belong to them, so stay out of their buisness. What does matter is what you want out of life, and what you are willing to do to get it. 2. Dream big. Dream fucking big. At the age of 32 I started attempting to do ‘the next right thing’ in all aspects of my life and I achieved my dreams by the time I was 36. That proved to me my dreams were too small. Keep your hope alive, young man.

    Michael, you put it plain & simple: live your life, get what you want and be really true to yourself. I believe is human nature to make our life complicated, over analyzed and we get lost in that entanglement. But is never too late to hit the reset button and open our mind & heart to what life could have still in storage, no matter if we are 35, 52 or 70 years old.

    Kp thank you. I’m 22 and had unknowingly following your advice 🙂

    How to ‘breath’?

    This is why gay men are single. They play stupid games and over analyse everything there are no rules. Live your life. Travel younger not older. Drugs and clubs are for losers!if used in excess, but drugs are always for losers. Go out and get what you want. There are real men out there who just happen to be gay. Go get one. But don’t play games. Be yourself. If your likeable and not a narcissistic ass, you will find a partner, maybe for life.

    I’m 29 and everyone my age acts like a kid (in character and in habits) so I actually tend to go for older guys. I’ve always gone for older guys. I’ve had three serious relationships since 17 and very few guys in between. I tend to strike a chord with older guys better than with the guys my age. I’m not into partying or clubbing, I’d much rather give my all to one person than give a little to everyone, and my generation isn’t exactly of that mindset. I sometimes feel like I was born at the wrong time. Being single at 40 doesn’t say to me “there’s a reason he’s single”. It just means he hasn’t found someone worth his time. I feel a little out of depth saying this to guys with much more dating experience than I have, but the truth is one shouldn’t date out of desperation to beat the clock. Love may come late, but if it’s really love, I’m pressed to believe it’ll be worth the wait.

    Jim Le James says:

    Wow. Thanks for boxing in all gay men. We should all have this proscribed life? What is the point of living if not to explore one’s own path?

    Your comment has inspired and helped me a little. Thank you so much. As an introverted 23-year old, frustrated as all holy hell, individual, I am so thank full to have gotten your advice. It’s hard, and heart and breaking to realize that circumstances might outweigh my current position. But it’s good to know that there’s hope 😊

    Robert Lee – TOTALLY AGREE – IN THE SAME BOAT

    Andrew Swift – cos ur single & older doesn’t necessarily mean damaged, or a dud – but yes, many sadly r!?

    Robert Lee Do you ever feel envious or jealous of straight females? They seem to have it so much better than gay men in the dating/relationship realm of life. Very few women are perpetually single, unless they choose to be- yet it seems like the vast majority of gay men are perpetually single, and not exactly by choice. Why is this?

    KP Willett says:

    Robert Lee we all have different stores and different truths. The one you just layed out sucks. Sorry that’s your take on life. You must not like the life your leading very much. Hummm, hope you find some peace because it certainly doesn’t read as if you have any now.

    Andrew Swift says:

    Robert Lee Too true. If one finds a man one’s own age, there’s a reason why he’s single. If you find a guy who is on the market for the first time – 20’s or thereabouts – he doesn’t have any values in common with oneself and it ends up being a babysitting job. I’d rather be alone.

    Robert Lee says:

    Bullshit. I’m 40 and nearly every person I come across says I’m too old for them. The ones my age already are in relationships OR say “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” or “I just got out of a relationship and don’t want to be with anyone now.” Meanwhile, that was all just a fricking lie because 3x I have seen this happen and then literally see the person walking down the street 3 weeks later holding hands with someone else. Literally. They lied. I’m out of shape but look way younger than many other guys at 40 and I also was in shape at 19 to 30 and I never found anyone then either. It’s really a lost cause. Half the guys online who like older men or men in their 40s 50s 60s are hustlers. That’s another epidemic. “Find someone your own age.” OK…. good luck with that. Like I said, they make all the excuses in the world NOT to be with someone and want me to have the patience to keep looking. How do you FIND SOMEONE? All these fuckin guys talk about finding someone. Someone miraculously just fell into their lives. Bunch of bullshit.

    Robert Lee I can so relate , I feel like Rip Van Winkle.. everyone I loved died 25 yrs ago and Im stuck with these basic shallow stupid grindr whores . god this article on a cold Monday is so depressing..

    John Cray says:

    Hey, Robert Lee Try being 76 and still in the game. You, Robert, sound like you’re ready to quit, totally. Come on man, I’d love to at least get acquainted with someone like you, in fact perhaps you. You never know what good might come of such a meetup. I’m years older than you but damnit to hell I’m not gonna quit looking, hoping.

    Robert Lee says:

    I dated 1 guy for 3 weeks in 1997, another for 10 months in 1998, and another for 3 weeks in 2000. Wasn’t able to find anyone else although I’ve been on about maybe 50 first dates with other guys since then. Literally. Haven’t had even a first date since like 2 or 3 years ago. I get the same frustrated feelings and the feeling like I’m just a fool to keep trying each and every time. And now the hobby which turned into my passion that I pursued, singing, never panned out and I have little to no friendships, everyone is always “busy,” so I have nothing to pursue in life and no one to spend time with.

    Adrian Eland says:

    52 going out with a 23yr old? Where dies that leave in max 10 yrs time? Back on the single heep. Enjoy the ego trip.

    Tony Davis says:

    Warren Morris Thank you for reading! I hope to come from a place of relatability and not exclusion.

    Great blog, I really enjoyed reading your story and it’s fantastic you have found a special someone 😊

    KP Willett says:

    Jay Alford. It isn’t a stop looking and just stand in one spot waiting thing. It is a, take the energy you are using to find a husband and redirect it to other parts of your life that will enhance you existance, that will help to form you into the person you enjoy being. Don’t stand and wait. Don’t waste your days. Go. Do. Be active. Meet people thru work, volunteeering, school, bowling, rugby, the library… meet them without the expectation of finding the husband. Doing this helps one to develop into a more mature, grounded, educated person. [Hell, I forgot the most important one, TRAVEL THE WORLD-or at least Europe].

    After a 10 yr relationship and a bad ending to with my ex I had decided to give up on finding love come to find out as I was out with friends not looking for it. I had the best thing in my life fall into my lap. After we talked for sim months and I tried to avoid a relationship, here it is 3 yrs later and I have found and married my best friend. Like Bryan said you don’t need to go looking for it just enjoy life and be open to it and you may be surprised what may happen. My husband and I are total opposites as well.

    Kurry Cooke says:

    Robert Lee agreed

    Robert Depo says:

    Robert Lee LOL! I fully Agree! I used to be attractive and took good care of my appearance. Now nudging 50, I despair and just “let go” – whats the point of keeping up with young fit guys in the gym?…I stopped running and stopped going there. Then got bitter, AND snappier..people DO stop visiting….and I got super sensitive – hence horrible….I ve put on two stone so I feel uglier by gay definition….U wrote about me! The only real joy in my life right now is being horrible – especially to good looking fit people – especially if they are attatched or are a couple!! I do it to see if they really are happy…cos if they were, they would be so in love and not be bothered. Some get bothered though and end up fighting each other. So then makes me feel happy that I am single…and yes embrace being fat and ugly. Am I such a horrible person?If so, its nice. Dont knock it.

    Robert Lee says:

    Jay Alford The stop looking thing is a bunch of bullcrap I stopped looking and nobody has shown up at my doorstep and meanwhile, nearly all the folks I know who have relationships are out of shape, not good looking, and not even good people. So I should stop looking, get uglier, and fatter. That’s the answer. Also become a horrible person.

    Jay Alford says:

    At the same time, how long do you not go after what you’re wanting & just wait for it to show up at your door? It seems like one of those “in limbo” situations.

    Andrew Swift , LOL i’m 68

    Robert Depo says:

    Glenn Anthony Schmidt Agree. But hMY problem is younger guys are attracted to me, because I feel I need to take care of them. I dont feel fulfilled which is why I prefer a guy closer to my own age and era. But most guys are either in “Open relationships” or want younger guys…I ve pretended to be 21 again, but get lots of abuse from people old enuff to be my well older fallen on hard times brother!

    Andrew Swift .Thank you very much for the compliment, i’ll be 69 this year. And FTR, after 2 failed marriages 2 women and a 16 year relationship with a man. I am extremely content being single and loving every minute of my new found freedom

    NOT EVERYONE WANTS YOUNGER – IM 50 & WANT 40-60 – but bears my age, want young slim cubs, or twinks

    Andrew Swift says:

    I wonder how you’ll be talking when you’re in your 40’s and 50’s… and you may be sure that those of us who have already been there will respond “Boo hoo.”

    John M Moon says:

    Maybe try being less bitchy….lol.

    Ron Maman says:

    I am totally with you Mr Bennet …. Much rather be alone .. AND happy (mr Haley )then 80% of married people around me that are there from all the wrong reasons or in the pretense of ” open relationship” … In these modern age one doesn’t NEED to be in a relationship… Gay or straight makes no difference …. Did I mention how many people I know for a fact cheating on their ” Love”??:-))

    Stuart Haley says:

    You don’t need better role models. Don’t blame them. You need a better professional therapist to help you work through your anger and be honest with what your soul needs. Good luck.

    Nick Bracy says:

    Agreed! My life is busy and while not at all complicated it doesn’t leave time or circumstance to meet those who might be interested. That’s fine though – I am happy. I have no desire to go a club – much more comfortable in a bar but not at all interested in what mainstream gay social circles are involved in. So – I do me and they do them…#thatslife

    Luiz DeLaja says:

    Atimes looking a bit father a field works. We expect that person to be in the same space / city as we are but only if we think beyond that we realise there are so much more great guys out there!

    Kurry Cooke says:

    Robert Lee I am 52. I moved to the city from the country seven years ago. I left all of my friends behind. I have found it impossible to make new friend. I have always been single my whole life. Though I have had many lovers. And a few relationships. All of which are still friends. Unfortunately I have lost contact with them. I am not lonely. I like being single. I have too many issues to be in a relationship. Although I would like a friend. I did meet a group of guys here that are gay when I first moved here. No contacts were made. I like being by myself. Which is a good thing because it looks likethat’s the way it’s going to be. I wish we lived closer maybe we could be friends.

    I think it’s you who is the problem. Take a good look at yourself. Sorry to be blunt but your posts are extremely negative. You come across as a “glass half empty” person. This kind of negativity drives people away.

    I think your last few words are the key. Love may be the text, with everything else as a footnote. But love is found in so many more places than intimate relationships.

    Robert Lee says:

    Then where does it come from? I have the same problem with friendships. This entire summer, I’ve spent going places completely by myself and haven’t even tried to ask to hang out with anyone because I knew they’d either say no or cancel. I spared myself the trouble.

    Robert Depo says:

    Erm, I dated a comic, once!, Just because professionally his character is funny dosent necessarily relate that he will be so amusing to actually be with. I suspect our Graham is a true talent, but is also a human being and has ups and downs just like everybody else does. So the worst thing you can do is assume you “know” somebody just because they are on TV! LOL. Im good with ups and downs, if he has a brain he would date me! lol!

    Robert Depo says:

    Steven Lamar Scott hmm! People gravitating to people similar to them – isnt that a bit incestueous? I.mean I know of fair skinned white guys who like black guys and vice versa. I like to think being opposite might give “food” to make a relationship last longer as there is often lots of work overcoming difference…But also I guess sometimes people grow tired and just want somebody exactly like them who knows them – I have two sets of gay couple friends like that – seems to work too. Maybe I should date a similar bitter, fat, sharp witted, evil as nails black guy – just like myself. Thank you!! But he will need to be rich. LOL.

    Luiz DeLaja says:

    Robert Lee Evan guys with muscles get to be alone as well. At 46…just walked away from a 3 year relathionship because my partner did not know what he wanted! Atimes muscles for nothing to do with it.

    Robert Lee Then why don’t you get you some muscles? Seems to me you’re bitter about not being apart of (or accepted by) the muscle club. Common sense should tell you to become what you want to attract. Rich people don’t hang out with poor people, thugs don’t hang out with geeks, hot girls don’t hang out with fat ugly girls. The saying “opposites attract” is one the biggest myths/fallacies ever! For the most part, people gravitate towards those who are similar to them.

    Robert Lee says:

    Ivan Brute Yup. That’s because you have muscles, so you’ll always have the muscle guys to keep you company. Or the muscle worshippers. Because being gay means if you want to be popular, gotta have muscles.

    Rahul Medhi says:

    Barklay, Sir, you are a supermortal. I’m wish you and yours a beautiful life. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Jon Bond, you dislike arrogance but you come across as arrogant yourself. I think you’ve tended to your ‘shell'(body, looks etc) but you must tend to your soul too. You must love yourself first, my friend. Hugs

    Jon Bond funny, u hate arrogance, lol!?

    Lex Davenport – agreed – he shud date himself, lol

    Jon Bond funny, an adonis, w no face pic on his bio?

    KP Willett says:

    Jon Bond Please consider re-reading your post and look at ALL of the physical requirements you listed for a partner. You listed no emotional traits/values/emotions. Then you complained that all who come near you faint at your beauty and are only interested in your physical apperance. Now, it may not be true, you may have misrepresented yourself in your writing, but, you are saying you want someone who is interested in the emotional/spritual but you are obviously not interested in that. I mean, your suiters are all fat and old. They cannot POSSIBLY have any capacity for emotional depth and understanding, can they? That is what you are saying. Seems to me that if someone physically describes their dick size, more than once, in this type of reply, they are the ones who have the emotional lacking.

    Jerry Furman says:

    Jon Bond go to theraphy

    Andrew Swift says:

    Jon Bond I don’t know dude… the contempt and vitriol that you express for anyone who doesn’t hold your values and doesn’t measure up to your standards is pretty obvious and I have a feeling that this is what is driving people away from you in droves. Might want to check your arrogant attitude at the door… it’s your biggest liability in the relationship seeking game.

    Jon Bond Jon, You deserve to be alone and single until death for prioritizing looks and masculinity over heart and character. You say you can’t help what your heart wants/desires. It’s not your hear, it’s your LIBIDO, ego, and being preoccupied with masculine hot guys. Guess what, only straight WOMEN have unlimited access to men like that. There aren’t very many gay men who are truly masculine, hot, and relationship oriented. Sorry.

    Zaki Abdul says:

    Jon Bond lol you sound like an awful person tbh

    Jon Bond Not surprised you are alone you come across as an arrogant, judgemental,sob who thinks too highly of himself & that no will measure up to.

    Jon Bond thank you for sharing. Leo, huh? Red Personality Type too I’m guessing? It is hard for a leader to be alone to have no one to lead. You sound like a fantastic guy. A real catch. It is astonishing that someone hasn’t swooped in and swept you off your fee…..hang on, you are too self-possessed to be swept off your feet. You are too self-aware and, Lion-like Leo, you see ’em all coming. Maybe disengage you brain snd open your heart to it. Maybe it’s a ‘loser’ that wins. Your fabulous body, big dick, cooking skills will never make up for the massive void in your text. You are totally humourless buddy. Lighten up. Go for a walk in nature instead of the gym 5-6days a week. Or better yet, do something for someone who’s having a hard time. Maybe a homeless shelter or sn old – folks home. Imagine how much joy a bunch of 90 yr old ladies would get from talking to big,gorgeous you? And, eh, less of the ‘anti-effeminate’ guff please. You were careful not to appear racist when saying that you prefer white guys. Fine. But noooo problem to you for gay – shaming snd fat – shaming. You self present as a fantastic Mr Right. But just be careful that you aren’t giving out all these negative signals. We are all very close to being a big asshole when our confidence goes unchec k ed by humility.

    Jon Bond if you describe yourself to others as you have done here I can see why you are alone. Did we all need to know how hung u are? And where is your modesty? You come across as self absorbed and full of it. Its one thing to be proud if your achievements but to brag about it all as somehow it makes you superior to regular people they are going to be turned off and all they will want to see is you as a quick fuck and nothing more.

    Luiz DeLaja says:

    Change it! It’s equally liberating!

    true Phil, look at all the old famous queens w twinks, like Stephen Fry, lol

    Robert Lee says:

    I even went back into pursuing my passion, singing, for 7 straight years spending over 20k to realize the love of my life, my music career, and it never happened. Now I’m broke and along the way I thought since classical music is more of a gay man’s world (along with theater, which I also had pursued previously), that I’d find gay friends and maybe a boyfriend or at least dates along the way. Wrong again. Shut out every time.

    Todd R Yates says:

    Hi guy. Todd here. Hit me up.

    Shawn DeRay says:

    Lloyd Copper thanks, appreciate the compliment.

    Lloyd Copper says:

    Shawn DeRay sorry for bringing the tone down but you’re hot Shawn

    Jim Young says:

    You are so young and nice looking. Years of romance and all that goes with it left for you. .

    David! You’re so young, please do not think this way. This may sound simplistic, but if you want to meet a person with character, that shares some of your values, or passion, VOLUNTEER for your favorite group or charity. You will meet many, MANY loving people who give a damn about the injustices in life… and they also have cute brothers or relatives or friends that are single. You will never find love on a sex app. Those guys are just looking for sex. If that’s what you want, rock on. But, honestly, volunteer. As the expression goes, ‘you’ll kill many birds with one stone.’ You’ll meet like-minded people, NEW people (that way you’ll get outside of your zone of friends), you’ll be giving back to your community, (possibly) find a new career and maybe, maybe the love of your life.

    I’m 49 and November 25, 2016 my husband who I married last December 30,2015 in Miami Florida , we will celebrate 30 years together. We are deeper in love than ever before! It takes a lot of compromise and commitment to last this long, but I’m thourougly happy with this journey that I am apart of. To each his own on how you decide to find love or be single and have a million one night stands. I love sleeping and cuddling with my beautiful husband All Night Long wrapped in his Arms. Don’t knock it until you experience it first hand. ❤️

    Ken Kohler says:

    In some parts of this country it is still very dangerous to be yourself as a gay person. Gay marriage has not be been embraced by all of the states. Homophobia is still very much with us due to the right wing religions. Be careful is the watchword depending on where you live.

    Ron Maman says:

    Lucky Graham :-)))

    John Cray says:

    It was 28 what? 28 relationships, 28 years of age? If your picture is any indication you’ve a long, long way to go. Do not give up, ever!

    Robert Lee says:

    You seem to have had all the luck in being able to just fly round the world and just happen to find someone in each country you land in. The rest of us are living paycheck to paycheck and for the life of us cannot find someone to even go on a first date. This is the dilemma I have now.

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