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This is how bi men and ‘masc’ gay men can both get over bottom shame

This is how bi men and ‘masc’ gay men can both get over bottom shame

This is how one guy discovered his bisexuality by giving oral sex to a man (with his wife)

Picture the scene: it was me and my friend Michael talking over a beer after work one night.

It was the usual catch-up between university mates: we were skimming over life events since we last saw each other at his wedding a year before.

Mine same old thing with work, met a new guy, and his, well…

‘I sucked a guy’s cock last week,’ he told me. ‘I need help.’

This came out of nowhere.

Discovering sexuality

Michael, now 30, had never given any indication to anyone he was interested in men.

He spent his teen years chasing girls and at university managing to sleep with a few of them. He met his wife Louise at 24 and they’ve been in a stable monogamous relationship ever since.

Michael, it turned out, had been fantasizing about threesomes. Surprising me, he wanted it to be two men and a woman.

Louise, apparently, was thrilled with the idea.

Bashfully downing his beer and spluttering out his confession to me, he said he didn’t know what he wanted before he did it.

There was a part of him that liked the idea of being cuckolded in front of his wife. Another part wanted her to teach him how to give a man a blowjob.

I couldn’t help but think: You were into kink and I’ve been trying to talk about football with you all this time?

How the threesome happened

So the couple went on Grindr. They found a guy, same age as Michael, that was up for a bisexual threesome.

At first it was going as agreed, and Michael watched another man give foreplay to Louise. And then when she went to give back, Michael joined her on his knees.

The next day Michael freaked out.

When the couple had gone to sleep, endorphins rushing and sweat dripping, they couldn’t be happier. But he was then faced with the harsh light of day.

He told Louise he hated it. Louise was flummoxed considering how at ease he seemed to be afterwards. Everyone had consented.

But the fears he could be gay, and his entire life had been a lie, clouded his judgement.

The shame overwhelmed him. His identity, sexuality, and his perspective had forever changed.

‘I love Louise, of course I do, and I love sleeping with her. What the fuck does it mean?’

The issue with having a masc ideal

I realized where I had seen this before.

Gay men, who have grown up in hyper-masculine environments, can feel an added ‘shame’ if they prefer bottoming to topping.

Think of it like this: many men grow up thinking ‘I’m a man, I stick my penis into vagina, this is what makes me a man.’

But what if they have to rectify their heterosexist view of the world with the reality their body desires?

From some gay guys I’ve spoken to, they fear being seen as the ‘woman’ in the relationship. They fear being seen as ‘weak’. If you are penetrated, this is what you are.

That is a heterosexist attitude.

And it is a fear that is completely unfounded.

The way you like sex or the way your body responds to attraction has nothing to do with how society sees you.

When it comes down to two (or more) naked consenting bodies in a room, what matters in there is up to them.

You can be the ‘protector’, the ‘provider’, the ‘masculine’ gay, bi or straight man if you want to be outside of the bedroom.

But you also need to remember women are not weaker than men.

Bottom shame leads to ‘masc for masc’

Bottom shame leads to toxic ideas like ‘masc for masc’. If two guys are ‘masc’, then one will have to be penetrated and it’s okay.

But ‘masc for masc’ is just a way of delaying coming to terms with yourself and sexuality.

You can get over it. If you think bottoming can be empowering, because you’re embracing your sexuality and expressing desire, then views can change.

I told Michael that sexuality can be fluid. But if he can, I suggested he try and stop thinking of himself as the cliché of a ‘straight man’ in his brain.

And I suggested he open up to the possibility of what his sexuality, his identity and his future could be.

He could be bisexual, he could be a guy that likes giving men blowjobs, he could get off on kink  – there were multiple options.

What happened next?

It’s been two years since Michael and Louise’s wedding, and around a year since we had that conversation.

We met up for a beer a few weeks ago.

Michael’s now openly bisexual, and his relationship and marriage with Louise is still going strong.

While he was a little more private about his sex life when we had our catch-up, I’ve got a feeling they’re having fun.

Joe Morgan is the editor-at-large at Gay Star News. You can follow him on Twitter.

Read more:

It’s time we drop gay stereotypes about who’s top and who’s bottom