In a powerful new essay, bisexual actor Nico Tortorella writes about the break-up of a toxic relationship – the hardest break-up of his life.
‘Some years were better than others,’ he writes in TheBerry.com. ‘There were times we were happy, had amazing sex, felt like kings. There were times we beat the shit out of each other. Toxicity in relationship form. He was abusive but told me he loved me. Convinced me even, then punched me in the face. Sid and Nancy. Obsessed. Addicted. Volatile. Violent. Highs and lows. Ebbs and flows.’
The Younger star isn’t talking about a relationship with a man, however.
He’s talking about breaking up with alcohol and becoming sober after 10 years of drinking too much.
‘The last year was the worst,’ he writes. ‘We started spending time alone together which is never a good idea. I hated the come down so I just kept drinking. I consumed all of him. Then came the shakes, the sweats, the hangovers and the depression. I’m getting anxious even talking about it. I hit rock bottom. Hard. If I didn’t do something about it, he was going to kill me.’
He shares the depths of where the relationship with alcohol took him: ‘I’ve been locked out of my house, passed out in places no one should ever see, been arrested for public urination, and pissed the bed weekly.
‘I fell off the boardwalk on Fire Island and was covered in poison oak, got a head full of dread lock extensions, terrible tattoos and been thrown out of respectable establishments, hotels, and family members’ homes.
‘I’ve brought people down with me, broken hearts and destroyed some incredible relationships. He introduced me to cocaine who is actually the Devil himself. With his bare hands he ripped my heart out of my chest and spit on it.
‘I’ve hurt myself, contemplated suicide, and had some of the best nights of my life. That’s his problem, one minute he’s the sexiest person in the world. Statuesque. The next you want him dead.’
On 17 January, Tortorella will celebrate two years sober.
He writes of how he did it: ‘I didn’t go to AA more than a couple of times. I instead I turned to literature, specifically Helen Schuman’s A Course in Miracles. I turned to friends, the ones I had left. I turned to family members and I turned inwards. I turned to juice cleanses, to working out, and to taking care of myself. I turned to love. I returned to me. Thank God I did. Thank fucking God I did.’