Dating can be a tricky thing for gay men. The guy you want to stick around never does, and the ones you don’t want to see again spend the next four months trying to shoehorn their way back into your life.
First dates are even trickier still: drawn-out silences, waiting for his first genuine smile… and the inevitable question: Should we have sex or should we wait?
The curse of the first date fuck! Do we give it up easy and risk putting him off, or do we restrain from getting down and dirty but maybe miss out on hot sex?
Top, bottom, versatile… it’s possible we aren’t compatible anyway. Will there be sexual chemistry? Is it worth holding off, in case he thinks you’re a ho? Or do we just take it straight to that next level, seeing as we’re both here anyway?
So many choices!
‘I really liked this guy’
Let me give you a recent example from my own life.
We’d been chatting for a while and the conversation flowed effortlessly. A good connection in these days of dick pics and poor spelling is rare, so I pounced on it. I really liked this guy. Well, perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Our first date was the only time we’d spent together because, like all other feisty millennials, we met on Twitter.
A week or so later we met up for drinks. As the evening ticked by, I found myself lured into a false sense of security. We switched bars and drank more.
We looked each other dead in the eye. His gaze didn’t even waver when I felt his hand brush up my inner thigh. We had one more drink then took a taxi back to his. We slept together.
After that night, whenever I tried to make plans with him he’d always be ‘busy.’ Even if he’d posted a Snapchat saying he was bored, or Tweeted that he wanted plans, he was always ‘busy’.
This excuse made approximately 0.1% sense. One thing was certain: I slept with him and it ruined the chance of something real happening.
I felt like an idiot.
‘You wake up the next day and the chemistry just vanishes’
There are many antiquated ideas about dating floating around. First date sex is often a topic of controversy, with many people still attaching a shameful stigma to it. Just for clarity, I don’t have an issue with it. If someone wants to have sex on the first date, go for it.
The ‘curse’ I am referring to is the one that is cast after you’ve slept together; the one that sees the spark fizzle into an unending nothingness, when you wake up the next day and the chemistry just vanishes.
We’ve all been there. The two of you wind up going back to his place. You stumble into his room, and he follows behind, gently closing the door so he doesn’t wake his flatmate, both of you giggling.
You peel off your t-shirt, an attempt to match him sliding off his jeans. Next thing he’s on top of you, panting like a parched dog, drooling into your ear. He’s saying all the things he wants to do to you. Yet, despite him having a good job, a great body and seemingly being a nice guy, the sex is awkward. It’s sweaty, kind of uncomfortable.
It feels like he’s just stabbing in the dark and hoping for the best. This could be because you don’t know him, and he doesn’t know you. Eventually he finishes, and so does your first date. You lie there, trying to resurrect the chemistry, but it’s gone.
‘If he doesn’t find you interesting then surely he’s not worth sleeping with anyway?’
A couple of days pass, and you hear nothing. You text him, but nada. Zilch. You start suffering some kind of OCD compulsion to repetitively check your phone. Still nothing.
This goes on and on until somewhere, around day nine, he replies saying ‘sorry’, and that he’s been ‘busy’. It feels like your balls had been dragged along a gravel path and slammed in a car door. Being too busy to text someone back is as redundant an excuse as my dog ate my homework.
The truth is, one awkward experience between the sheets can stop one, if not both, of the parties from wanting to meet up again.
Someone can seem perfect on online, but in reality things may take longer to blossom.
Forming a connection with someone whilst hidden behind a phone screen is easier for some of us. When we’re presented with the face-to-face reality though it is very different. A lot of us fear that the guy won’t find us interesting enough for a second date, so we put out in the hope that’ll be enough to give us a chance to see him again.
But if he doesn’t find you interesting then surely he’s not worth sleeping with anyway?
The first date dilemma
Sex on the first date isn’t guaranteed to destroy a budding romance. I know couples that met, had sex, and are still together. There’s definitely not a science behind it, but I do find that if you have sex immediately you run the risk of losing the magic before deeper feelings are allowed time to form.
This is setting aside those men who are only interested in getting into your pants and have no intention of dating you – whatever they might claim.
To me, holding on a little bit longer falls under my evolving dating guidelines. And these days, I try to stick to those guidelines. If that person is really into you, he will want to see you again.