Growing up in a sexually repressed, rural, and conservative part of California – I was eager to lose my virginity.
So four years ago, lying in bed, I turned to the man next to me I’d just had sex with and asked:
‘So does this mean I’ve lost my virginity?’
He laughed and replied ‘I’m afraid not.’
Leaving me asking, what does virginity even mean? And how do I ‘lose it’ in the LGBTI community?
I had never kissed or done anything with a man before. So after climaxing together in his bed – to me, it felt like my v-card was well and truly gone.
From what I knew of virginity in the Christian world, it represented the abstinence from sexual intimacy.
So after, I was confident that I had been sexually intimate. And yet to be told I hadn’t lost ‘it’ – left me with a lot of questions.
Virginity is a concept
Now, as an adult, I’ve left the conservative religious and rural area of California and moved to the UK.
Studying in Wales gave me time to understand, from my own research and life experience, that virginity truly is a societal concept.
But even today I still consider the loss of my virginity to be that moment four years ago.
A lot of people in the gay community, however, would disagree with me, and that’s okay.
in my view, you can define virginity however you want to. It can be valuable, and precious, or it can not exist at all – depending on how you feel about the concept.
In the heterosexual community, the v-card is generally defined as being lost through vaginal intercourse, although it still depends on who you ask.
In the LGBTI community, however, it is even harder to define.
What does it take to lose your ‘gay virginity?’
The entire concept of virginity wasn’t made for us.
And yet many in the gay community have simply adopted the term to be referred to anal intercourse instead – even though vaginal intercourse occurs in our community too!
Some believe that you have to be both passive and active in intercourse to lose your virginity, where areas others believe you only have to take one of the said positions to lose virginity.
Then there are those like myself who feel any form of sexual intimacy results in a loss of virginity.
In my own opinion, there is no right or wrong answer.
You lose your virginity when you feel that your virginity is lost.
Do you have to have anal to lose your virginity?
To some, anal intercourse is exceptionally intimate, and to others just yet another form of sex.
We each have our own experiences and definitions of what sex is, and that’s okay.
What’s not okay is when society creates tons of pressure on losing it as it did with me. It makes people feel invalidated and insecure about when they lose it.
If you lose it early, you are a slut. Lose it late and it makes you a loser instead. Then there are those who may never lose their v-card and those who just don’t want to. Power to you as well.
So go forth, and define virginity however you want to. Just don’t impose any definitions or expectations on those around you.
People can lose their virginity how and when they want to, or not at all, and that’s the beauty of personal experience!
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