- You couldn’t make up what happened to this couple and their usually very normal family.
Everyone gets nervous when taking their new boyfriend or girlfriend to meet their parents for the first time.
But last weekend John Longland and his boyfriend Joao had a night they’ll never forget.
It ended in a pool of dogs’ poo and vomit – with his stepdad gushing blood from his neck. And the humiliations didn’t even end there.
He tells GSN: ‘Joao and I have been together for nine months. He’s met my family before, but this was the first time we’d decided to stay over.’
They had a ‘super cute day’ with ‘dinner, a bottle of wine and some lolz with the fam’.
Earlier in the pair had encountered a bit of drama when they met their family in Welwyn Garden City, north of London.
John says: ‘We were driving back home, and as we came over the hill there was a car nose down in a ditch. So my stepdad pulled over and we went to see if she was alright, called the police etc. It was pissing down. My sister helped drag her up the muddy verge.’
At the time they thought nothing of it. Later it seemed like an omen for the terror to come.
‘There’s vomit everywhere, human and dog’
When it was time for bed, John says: ‘Mum got us a king size inflatable bed ‘cause I normally just crash on the sofa. So we inflated in the lounge and went to bed.
‘My sister had gone out with her pals and my stepdad to the pub for some neighbour’s 50th or whatever. I said to Joao “sorry if today’s been boring” and we went to sleep at like 11pm.
‘Then at 3.30am we’re awoken by a commotion! My sister’s got home to find my stepdad pissed out of his head, naked in the hallway, surrounded by vomit. One of the dogs has managed to get into the living room and is all heaving.
‘I get up. There’s vom everywhere, human and doggo.
‘My sister was drunksplaining what had happened. Meanwhile the dog was heaving. So I’m trying to shoo Balloo, our German Shepherd dog, out the door and tell her to shut up, and clean up vomit all at the same time.
‘Mum gets up and the clean-up operation gets complete in about 20 minutes. Mum quips “at least I won’t be up at 8am with the dogs now.”
But the return to domestic tranquility was not to last.
‘There’s blood everywhere… My brother appears in just his pants’
John continues: ‘Then at 5.30am there’s a massive smash, crash and wallop.
‘I leap off the surprisingly comfy inflatable bed, to find my stepdad has fallen down the stairs, looking for the bathroom, STARK BOLLOCK NAKED. And he has sliced his neck open after grabbing a photo frame on his way down.
‘There’s blood everywhere. My brother appears in just his pants, I launch a blanket and towel as him (to cover my stepdad’s knob and stem the bleeding simultaneously). Meanwhile I phone an ambulance.’
Initially, John says the family was worried, with blood and glass scattered everywhere. But when the paramedics had arrived, and they realised his stepdad was going to be alright, everyone started to see the funnier side.
However, another mini drama was just around the corner – thanks to another of the family’s four dogs.
John says: ‘At 7am, once my stepdad had finally been taken to the hospital for some stitches and to make sure he didn’t break anything, we got back in bed, only for one of the other dogs to walk in and take a fucking SHIT on the living room floor.’
The morning after
And John had to act fast to avoid a final awkward encounter the next morning.
He had just booked an Uber to the train station when he realized the driver was someone he had slept with when he was a teenager:
‘I pressed cancel so goddam FAST.’
All in all it was not the Valentine’s weekend the pair had planned for.
And John – a pub manager in London and one of six gay guys behind the On The Latch podcast about ‘Gay Life’ – says his life is never usually like this.
But when GSN caught up with him today, he told us things had ended well.
His stepdad is off work and home recovering with 20 stitches in his neck and major damage to his pride. But he’s going to be ok.
And all four dogs are also fine. John tells us Balloo, who threw up, is just under a year old so eats everything. And Louis (a staffy) is 14-years-old and blind, so taking a poo in the living room was just an inevitable accident.
Of course, Joao is still with him. And he’s quite prepared to meet his lovely, and usually chill, family again.
In fact, Joao joked: ‘I’m bringing popcorn next time.’
Meanwhile, John’s tweeted about his weekend and for once social media has been kind. After all, he deserves some sympathy.
He tells GSN: ‘The tweets have had me in stitches and no one said a bad word about my family, dogs or daft stepdad!’