Rejoice! ‘Love is in the air!’ as the song goes. Well, either that or it may just be illegal levels of toxic nitrogen dioxide as the EU keeps telling us.
But I, for one, am not going to let Europe ruin this holiday for me. And so, here is my guide on how to enjoy Valentine’s Day without giving in to sentimentality, socialism or human emotion.
There’s no such thing as society
It should come as no surprises that I am no fan of unions. Even romantic ones! No one should love you more than you love yourself. And believe me, I really adore me!
So if you are going to spend your hard earned dole money on anyone this 14 February, spend it on yourself.
Maybe there’s some nice pearls you fancy? Or a blue power suit that has been haunting your dreams? Is your Council house available for purchase? (If so you’re welcome!)
And if nothing else, the Iron Lady is available on Netflix.
I get sent thousands and thousands of adoring fan letters every year – only some of which turn out to be anthrax or explosives.
Believe me, getting a big packet through my flap is nothing new. But the ones which get pride of place on my mantle are the ones that are truly thoughtful.
Take this one I received from an admirer: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, you screwed the North, I want to screw…’ Well, you get the impression.
Got a date?
You? Really? Well miracles do happen.
Where to go?
In London, unless you’re looking for affordable housing, you are spoiled for choice! There are restaurants, bars, boats and even several branches of Gregg’s that are all ready to cash in on romantics looking for a special night out.
I’m not sure what to do if you don’t live in London. Have you thought about moving? You’ll probably be too busy complaining about lack of a second home or filming your storyline in Coronation Street.
But at the end of the day, whether you go to McDonalds or the Ritz, all that matters is that you’ve done your bit to support neoliberal capitalist system by buying into the holiday.
Not a first date, dear. Unless you live in marginal constituencies like Dudley, Kensington or Crewe, in which case, lie back, think of England and do it for me. We’re running out of young Tories – we need to make more.
Well, romance isn’t for everyone. Maybe take this time to reassess your life and make changes. A new haircut is always a head turner. Up and away from the face is my preferred look but not everyone has my bone structure.
And if you’ve left it too late to do anything else?
Come and see my show at the Vaults, dear! Couples and singles alike are welcome. And at the end of the night we’ll all put our keys in a bowl and see where the mood takes us.
Come and spend your V Day at Mrs T’s play. Because nothing says romance like a satirical comedy musical about Margaret Thatcher. At the very least it’s better than sitting on your own, eating ice cream and watching Dirty Dancing.
Margaret Thatcher, Queen of Soho runs at the Vault Festival in London from 14 to 18 and 21 and 25 February.
Margaret Thatcher, Queen of Soho is a stage name.