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I was femme shamed by a ‘masc4masc’ gay guy – and it sucks he’s so insecure

I was femme shamed by a ‘masc4masc’ gay guy – and it sucks he’s so insecure

Have you ever been femme-shamed?

Why do some gay men think only masculine men are worthy of their love?

I recently went on a coffee date with a guy I’d met online. From matching to meeting was a few hours, a refreshing and attractive change from busy diary-syncing.

At first sight he ticked some of my preferences; broad shoulders, big arms, a bit of a belly, dark features and all-round hairiness, gauged by his strong beard, got my heart pumping.

But, crucially, he was engaging, talkative and shared great enthusiasm about his future.

After a casual hour-or-so, he walked me to my bicycle, took me by the waist and kissed me – with impulsive, yet misguided, passion – and asked to see me again.

I agreed, despite his somewhat forceful kiss, to take him out for pizza soon.

When I got home, a message from him lead to this:

‘But you saw me and you saw how I am and I think you understand’

Was this man, a stranger, telling me I’m not worthy of the love of a ‘real man’?

Or was he using me as an exercise to exert his perception of masculinity and compare it to others to see, using the ‘I’m more man than you’ marking criteria, if he would come trumps?

Either way, his fear that I would demasculinize his image, sexuality and alpha male status, because of the tone of my voice and love of Little Mix, showed him up to be insecure.

He became less of a man than me, in my eyes, as maturity trumped masculinity.

This ‘man’ completely disregarded the ‘positive vibes’ he saw in me because the surface of who I am didn’t match the masculine frame he believes he deserves.

I agree, we’re all entitled to preference. As I just wrote above I have a thing for hairy muscle bears, but I keep true to the word preference – meaning not a necessity.

If you find yourself attracted to a guy, whoever they are, dismissing them based on what you believe you deserve is a fool’s game.

I feel bad for this man – he is letting good men pass by while he waits for someone who matches his image, not his spirit.

Masculinity is a societal construction and it sucks that perfectly nice men, like this guy, have its shallow values buried so deep within them. They will only allow love, and good people, to enter their lives when it suits how masculine they feel at the time.

This man told me in further messages he wanted to take a chance on me because he ‘fucking likes [me] sooooo much’, maybe I should have let him take that chance and show him how wrong he is about what masculinity can and does look like to others.

But, dating one femme guy, by labeling them a ‘chance’, doesn’t tell the world you’re free of your box – it just tells the world you’re trying to hide how shallow you are in plain sight.

And I won’t be that scapegoat for anyone.

I’m proud to be labelled femme, even if I’m not as aware of myself as others, if it means I can share love and light with diverse people.

Oh, and you still want me to take you for pizza after all that? Sense the pointed tone.

Read more from Dan Beeson, Head of Engagement at Gay Star News, here.