- Apparently it’s gay to own a kayak or an umbrella, and it gets even more random than that.
Want to see how ludicrous homophobia is for real? Then take a look at the list of things straight guys are told not to do because they are ‘gay’.
A Reddit post titled ‘Straight men, what’s the strangest thing you’ve been told not to do because “that’s gay”?’ has generated thousands of replies.
If the list is true, most men are gay. Moreover, all the remaining men smell really bad.
But it gets even more random than that.
As iph0ne says: ‘I grew up in California before moving to the east coast as a teenager. I’ve been told all Californians are gay or at least bi, more than once.’
Here are some of the other most ridiculous responses
‘Brunch is the official meal of the gays’
‘Real’ straight men must be starving all the time. Because there’s a lot they can’t eat.
Millertime52 says: ‘I had a buddy that wouldn’t eat foods that resembled the shape of a penis. Hotdogs, bananas, cucumbers, none of it even if it wasn’t in its original shape.’
And whole meals are out according to Knaugh who was told brunch is gay.
He responds: ‘If steak, eggs and alcohol at noon are gay, well then fuck it.’
Meanwhile Ricnine jokes: ‘Brunch is the official meal of the gays. Can’t remember which sitcom I heard that from.’
Drinks are problematic too, people told BloodRedCobra, particularly milk:
‘Especially chocolate milk. I’ve been singled out on three occasions, and was once called gay for it. By store clerks, no less.’
Meanwhile PI3M3I was told it’s even more gay if you use a straw:
‘Because apparently it’s like having a tiny penis in your mouth. I still use straws and haven’t had the urge to suck a dick yet.’
‘My neat, flowing handwriting was gay’
Being literate is also out – in both senses of the word.
RJ1337 shares: ‘I was reading a book and a couple dudes called me gay. Not for reading a book, but because I was using a bookmark.’
And Zeyda says: ‘My husband’s dad threw away all his books when he was growing up because “reading is for f*gs.”’
Meanwhile Curlyjoe696’s tormentor was a teacher. He says:
‘I used to have absolutely dreadful handwriting in school. So much so that my work would regularly get refused or marked down for being illegible.
‘Over the holidays I made a significant effort to make it better and I did a good job. After that six weeks was up my handwriting was glorious.
‘Got back to school and apparently I’d made a mistake. Because my neat, flowing handwriting was gay.
‘To make it worse, the teacher who insisted I make my handwriting better refused to mark my work the first few times because she didn’t believe that a boy could have such nice handwriting.
‘Oh. My handwriting sucks again.’
‘Who doesn’t love the guy who can whip up birthday cakes’
However it isn’t just eating that idiots think is gay, it’s also cooking.
For example, Tetragon213 shares: ‘Once I was told that baking and cooking were “gay” or “too feminine”.
‘Fuck that shit! My dad was a professional chef, and I’d be damned proud to follow in his footsteps in the culinary world. Also, who doesn’t love the guy who can whip up birthday cakes, brownies and snacks?’
Moreover, other creative activities are gay too.
For example, BattleFerrett says: ‘I sew Renaissance-type costumes as a hobby. I’ve been told I should stop doing it because sewing is either gay or women’s work. On the plus side I am a 6’2” bear of a man so when I tell them to fuck off, they usually leave it be.’
Meanwhile, Bross93 said people told him it was gay to: ‘Play clarinet. I was 12, really good at the instrument, and loved it, but stopped because of the relentless teasing I got from it. Fat boy with a girl’s instrument.’
And BarfQueen shares this story:
‘In high school I used to build and paint sets for the school plays. I also happen to be gay. Actual factual gay.
‘One day while tinkering with a rolling set piece for that year’s musical I was informed by this drama-kid chick that one of the lead guys (who was straight, one of the “popular” kids, a jock, and also from a decently established theatre family) had gone on a rant about me being “too gay”.
‘Now hold on, Mary. I’m covered in house paint, performing adjustments underneath a rolling flat, with like 35 pounds of tools strapped to my waist. You’re tap dancing in sequins among the footlights with rouge on your cheeks, and yet somehow, SOMEHOW, I’m ‘too gay?”’
All sex is gay sex
Of course, many people’s favorite activity is sex. But it turns out most sex is gay. Even straight sex.
Someone told PhillipLlerenas it is gay to ‘Eat pussy. Seriously. Homie told me it was submissive to eat pussy and “kinda gay”.’
Likewise, HeroicMillipede shares: ‘A guy I went to school with said he only watches lesbian porn cause watching one with a guy is gay. It was just about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anybody say.’
As Throwaway_lmkg asks: ‘Does he know that lesbians are gay?’
Of course, when watching porn, masturbation is strictly off the table.
1fhedieshedies explains: ‘I was told as a kid by another lad at school that “touching a dick is super gay, even if it’s your own” and took that advice VERY seriously. Until one day I snapped and declared outloud to an audience of absolutely no-one: “fuck it, if it makes me gay, then maybe I’m gay” and went to town.
‘Shock news: it didn’t make me gay.’
Meanwhile Slendermesh shares this story:
‘I live in a small mining community. I 1000% got teased for being gay for not wanting to have anal sex with a girl.
‘The ring leader that started that is the same guy who told me this “hilarious” story about someone in the showers grabbing his penis and pulling him around the showers by the penis while guys slapped his ass…’
By contrast ThatOneRussian informs us it’s not just gay to not have anal sex with a woman. It’s also gay to have anal sex with a woman:
‘Among the absurd things I have been told not to do because they are “gay” or “effeminate” is having anal sex with a woman. (Because, butt stuff is gay?)’
Luckily, ‘no homo’ solves everything
Anyone who knows ‘bro’ culture knows the phrase ‘no homo’ is straight guys’ pass to be gay.
As ImJustSo recalls: ‘I was laying in bed after a threesome and one of the girls was like my gym buddy.
‘Anyway, we’re all laying in bed and she became fascinated with my balls. So she says, “Hey um…can I fondle your balls for a second? No homo.”
‘So I said, “It’s fine bro, you said no homo.”’
Meanwhile Bumford11 asks if it was gay ‘Giving my bro a brojob when he was feeling down.’
But Buckus69 jokes: ‘Just make sure to say “no homo” first and you’re good to go.’
And Ephix adds: ‘As long as you don’t get any cum on your mouth I think you’re good to go.’
In response Captainvancouver jokes: ‘So being gay or not comes down to timing?’
However, MiskatonicProf_1926 has the final word: ‘A BJ is a BJ. Besides: it’s not gay if you’re watching sports or straight porn while you’re doing it.’
You’d better watch out
Turns out fashion is a minefield if you don’t want people to think you are gay. And in ways you may not imagine.
As Jumpstart58 says: ‘I wore my watch on my right hand. Apparently when I was in high school that was gay as fuck.’
Meanwhile Whocaresaboutmynick recalls: ‘My mom told me when I was a kid that wearing a watch on your right hand was gay.
‘When I asked why she said it was just a thing. She was a flight attendant and there was quite some gay guys working with her. It was like a sign they used.
‘I don’t know how true that is, but I still made sure to wear my watch on the left side.
‘Joke is on me, I realized a few years later that I was gay anyway.’
‘Two pre-teen boys arguing about what earring to buy’
The same applies to ears, says Tdasnowman:
‘Make sure you only get your left ear pierced.
‘This might be a non thing now but when I got my first piercing in the 80s it was a big deal to make sure you got the correct side of your head pierced. Right meant gay, left meant straight. And you didn’t want to be the kid that fucked that up.
‘This whole thing was made all the more comical by the fact I got my ear pierced with my best friend so we could split the cost. I mean there had to be nothing gayer then two pre-teen boys arguing about what earring to buy.
‘And this wasn’t an uncommon thing either, the girl at the jewelry store said it happened a few times every weekend.’
Moreover, Sethg confirms this bizarre theory:
‘I was a teenager in the 80s and this was also a thing where I lived.
‘As I understand it, other parts of the country had the opposite convention regarding which earring signaled that you were gay, which is perhaps one reason why these days straight men can wear earrings wherever they want.’
But Dbear26 has the best story on this:
‘According to my dad, a biker gang once wrote to Playboy magazine asking what side they should get pierced because they didn’t want people thinking they were gay. Hugh Hefner himself responded with “pretty pansy ass bikers if you care that much what people think”.’
And it’s not just accessories. Buttsmcgillicutty recalls:
‘My husband was called gay by his dad for wearing red shoes one day, and another for wearing red shorts.
‘He said this in front of me, his wife. And his biological grandchildren, our kids, from heterosexual sex.
‘We don’t talk to him anymore.’
‘Real men strike matches toward the body’
Some of the answers are so random, they defy categorization or narrative.
For example, BoilEmMashEmBoilEm says: ‘My sister told me this gem. Her male friend said he hated being a guy because he couldn’t USE AN UMBRELLA. Apparently it’s gay to keep yourself dry.’
Among other things that are ‘gay’…
Clockbasket896: ‘Owning a cat instead of a dog.’
ItsmetheMRA: ‘Get this… having my phone in my back pocket lol.’
Paperlevel: ‘One time when I was a kid I struck a match to light a candle but I struck it away from my body. My dad told me don’t do that again, real men strike matches toward the body.’
LukeV18: ‘Owning a kayak.’
Meanwhile, Lets_make_a_fort shares this story:
‘My ex-boyfriend didn’t like to hold onto any vertical subway poles because he thought it looked like holding a dick. He only held onto horizontal bars. I think he regretted telling me the second it came out of his mouth.’
And Writerintheory1382 recalls: ‘My brother in law and I went to a movie. He told me it was gay to sit next to him. I told him to stop being a bitch and I sat right next to him. For the entire movie.’
‘You can’t be a real man unless you smell’
If you’ve ever found that homophobic men smell, there may be a reason.
As Amc7262 says: ‘There was a thread on here a while back where some poor girl told the world about an ex who wouldn’t wipe himself or wash his genitals cause “touching a dick is gay”.’
Likewise Philerdm remembers:
‘One of the guys in the room next to me my freshman year of college wouldn’t clean in his ass crack because that’s gay apparently. Guess you can’t be a real man unless you literally smell like shit.’
Meanwhile Bigsean4222 has been called gay becuase he ‘Puts moisturizer on my face cuz my skin gets dry during the winter. Also using conditioner got the same response.
‘Some people think any kind of hygiene past brushing your teeth and showering as something only a homosexual would do.’
Despite this, ChubbzMayne says he’ll keep taking baths – another gay activity. He adds: ‘If taking baths is gay then I suck a dick a day.’
And Aland_Khalid won’t give up ‘washing my hair’: ‘It’s called hygiene and doesn’t mean I’m gay.’
‘Military grade’ moisturizer is ok
Meanwhile, The_Last_Leviathan shares this story:
‘Weirdest thing I have ever seen like that is my dad’s acquaintance making fun of him for wearing sunscreen. Guess who was burned to a crisp by the end of the day? Not my dad.
‘It’s a bit crazy to think about that apparently taking care of your body and avoiding skin cancer is “unmanly”.
‘Also, it makes for hilarious commercials because pretty much every “beauty” product for men is advertised using sports cars and shit and a selection of phrases like “military grade” and “tactical grip” and shit like that.’
That’s something healthcare professional OKE3 also experienced:
‘My patient came in complaining of dry skin. I advised him to lotion. He said that he couldn’t do that because he’s a man and not some pansy. (What?)
‘I quickly replied, “well they make lotion for men now”. Just find the one that says “for men” on it.
‘Then I realised that mass media and advertising has male insecurities by the balls and I just perpetuated it.’
Moreover, if common sense passes homophobes by, so does compassion. As 2Salmon4U shares:
‘A friend of mine was in a bad car accident recently. While in the hospital, with both legs casted and an arm in a sling, he asked his dad to help wash his hair. His dad said it was too gay and called a nurse.
‘This friend used to be a very stoic borderline homophobe. But this exchange with his dad made him realize how fucking stupid it is to act like that.’
‘I need towels. Deal with it’
No surprise then that doing anything domestic is ‘gay’.
Shiasurasa says his best friend told him he was gay for doing some linen shopping. He responds: ‘That’s nice bro, but I need towels. Deal with it.’
And homophobic women are just as bad.
Chinchenping says ‘A friend of mine got dumped because his girlfriend thought he was a closet gay. He like having his apartment clean so he cleans it every evening and somehow, doing house chores is gay.
‘His new girlfriend is thrilled though.’
Hope for the future
Of course, everyone on the thread was mocking these ridiculous macho stereotypes.
But it’s DallySleep who really gave us hope for the future.
She says: ‘This whole thread is so sad. This morning my husband and three-year-old son wore towels around their shoulders so they could fly around being pretty butterflies.
‘I’m so happy to have a reasonable partner who knows that games like this are normal for kids and absolutely nothing to do with future sexuality.’