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From self-harm and suicide bids to survival: How I’m beating the bullies

From self-harm and suicide bids to survival: How I’m beating the bullies

My routine for getting over bullying: Ignore, report, go home, cry, cut, scream, fall into deeper depression, attempt suicide and wait for next day… rinse and repeat until you’re out of school.

What happened to me still affects me today – but I want you to help by letting others know there is an end to the dark tunnel of torment.

Unfortunately help for bullying in my day (I finished school in 2004) was to be sent out for distracting class.

That’s right. In my Catholic school, although I would be sitting being quiet doing my work, I would be punished for being bullied. I was removed from class, forced to sit facing corners. All because someone saw me kiss my girlfriend during a school holiday. I did not even get the chance to come out.

It caused so many problems that I’m only just getting myself sorted out.

My ‘failures’ were ground into me – I was not a legitimate female because I prefer ‘boy’ stuff and others assumed and then insisted on my sexuality rather then ask me what it actually is.

They simply guessed I was lesbian when I am, in fact, pansexual. I discovered this for myself but never told this to everyone as they had already made up their minds.

This personal discovery caused a huge increase in the bullying I faced. Before I was persecuted for trivial things such as having ‘long hair’, a ‘long nose’ or ‘being poor’ and got physical beatings.

But once my orientation was guessed, teachers created me into a target. They dropped Bible quotes referring to being gay as a sin to justify the bullies in the torment they meted out to me.

I was treated like I should feel guilty for feeling empathy and love no matter what the gender of the person. Society rewards selfishness when it should reward peace and love.

The worst part of the bullying is the way it still haunts me years later. It has left me with a personality disorder, which means I am constantly negative towards myself, my feelings and my care.

It’s hard to believe that after 20 years of constant berating that I am worth anything more then a headstone.

But do you know what? I am.

I am worth more than the bullies can perceive. I am open, I am patient, I am calm, I am loving, I am giving, I am living. They almost took everything from me and almost convinced me of their beliefs…

And that’s what it was all based on, their closed-minded beliefs. That’s what shapes our young…

It’s like if you had a group of five monkeys in a cage and set a ladder to a banana. Every time a monkey goes for the banana you squirt the remaining monkeys with cold water.

If you repeat this, the monkeys will eventually stop each other going for the banana, even if you stop spraying them.

If you replace one monkey, the originals will still attack the newcomer if it goes for the banana. If you gradually replace all the monkeys, you will end up with none in the cage who have actually been sprayed. But they will continue to beat the monkey who goes for banana. They don’t know why, it’s just that’s how it has always been.

This mob behavior is what fuelled those who bullied me.

I had to deal with being bullied from the age of six. At eight, I attempted suicide with my best friend who was 10… Unfortunately he died and I survived which became another enforcing failure.

I am now 25, and starting to have therapy for the emotional scars that bullying caused. Up until now I have constantly tried suicide and even wished death upon myself. I have been so blind to the true light of life.

But now I know there is light at the end of tunnel. And we have got lanterns to help guide you there.

The GSN reader who contributed this article asked to remain anonymous. We will be celebrating Spirit Day tomorrow (17 October) not just by wearing purple but also by giving you more inspiration to help overcome bullying.