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Can sober sex ever actually be sexy?

Can sober sex ever actually be sexy?

porn Next Door Buddies - can sex ever be sober and still sexy?

If you had asked me in my mid-20’s to write an article about sober sex, I probably would have laughed at the prospect, and then maybe had a little cry while I was at it.

Do people actually do that?!

I wouldn’t be alone as so many people still find the prospect a little scary and even confusing.

This is apparent when I talk about my wonderful partner who has been sober for twelve years, and the question ‘how did you even get together without anything to help?!’ pops up.

Once we bring chemsex into the mix it can feel even more complicated than a couple of large wines to get the mood going.

After all sex on chems has been described as ‘like fireworks going off in your soul’.

You can keep going for days and you feel like a porn star. So, if you have sampled this ‘wonderland’ of drugs and sex, how do you go back?

Is all that is facing you a lifetime of boring sex, or worse none at all?

First of all, I should be really clear. Chemsex isn’t without its risks. The team at Gay Star News have written lots about that as part of their series.

But the question of sober sex comes up time and again in my work as a counselor.

Read: Chemsex will define a period of our gay history

Can I ever go back to sober sex?

I’ll be honest with you. Sober sex is very different.

But different doesn’t mean bad.

Before moving into my own practice I specialized in loss. We always tell people things will never go back to exactly how they were before. Indeed, it’s about embracing the change and moving forward.

There are huge positives to sex without drugs.

First of all, it can limit the distractions. You can really get into the moment and experience everything without getting distracted by the lure of Grindr or the next prospect, even better it is far more unlikely that you will become second fiddle to an app yourself. There’s nothing quite like someone scrolling and texting away at the height of passion.

Secondly, sober sex can allow you to orgasm easier. This may sound obvious, but as many men describe to me, cum at a chillout is like gold dust. These drugs may give you staying power but it’s not about the payoff, constant arousal and sex without the climax has its perks but getting that release can feel even better.

If you worry you cannot orgasm without chemsex, then keep in mind that your brain and body are wonderful things and they can adjust.

With sober sex, you are always in control

Other things that might start to happen again when you’re having sober sex are simple – but powerful emotions.

From just noticing the simplest things about your sexual partner or hook up – like how they smell.

Drugs can affect our senses, so going into sex sober, allows you to smell, taste and feel things differently. All of this can add to the experience and arousal.

I understand that for some the idea of being seen and experienced naked while sober can leave you feeling pretty vulnerable, but again vulnerable doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In the right place, it can allow you to make a connection. There is also plenty of places out there to work on self-esteem if that needs a bit of a boosting.

You can make it whatever you want it to be!

Let’s face it, watching movies and porn might create erotic ideas of how sex should look but it’s not always that way.

Sex can be however you want it, it’s ok to laugh or get things wrong, it’s ok to play! If you want to feel more and get a little kinky then there are hundreds of things out there to try (ensuring everyone is safe and instructions are read first!).

Sober sex may look boring from the outside and that can be a terrifying prospect, but once you change the way you look at things there are actually loads of great things about it.

If you feel that drugs and sex aren’t working together for you anymore then take back that control and get things the way you want them to be.

Katie Evans is a counselor that specializes in chemsex support, find out about her work here

This article is part of the Gay Star News Chemsex Series. Read more stories, support and see the videos on our chemsex section.

https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/chemsex-talk-gay-men-drugs-sex/#gs.VCFbo=c