When I realized I was different as a young man growing up on the Isle of Wight in the UK, I knew I had to escape. Keeping my sexuality to myself and dating girls at the same time was hard.
Being offered a place at drama school kept me in a bubble for three years. When that bubble popped, so did I.
London opened my eyes. A whole new world I was completely unaware of before. There were things that excited me but also scared me.
As a young man discovering different bars in London, I became very aware of a prominent feeling occurring inside me. I always noticed the older gay man at the edge of the room, watching on as the younger prettier boys paid no attention to their desperate gaze.
Being in my early 20s I was confused that I felt this way. Most of my peers would ignore these guys, or laugh and point fun at how they have tried to hold on to their youth.
But I felt a deep sadness for them. It depressed me massively.
Instead of enjoying my moment in MY prime, I saw myself reflected in them. Why was I feeling that way at such a young age?
‘What if at the end of my life, I am alone?’
It was probably the same fascination I have, the same as many other people do too: death. What if at the end of my life, I am alone, with no family? No one wanting to touch me because I no longer appeal? What happens when I become undesirable?
A lot of people will be with someone for convenience. A roof over a head, money. And I started to see this a lot while being out in the city. Gay, straight, it didn’t matter.
I saw that love and genuine affection towards someone was rare while being wrapped up in everything the metropolis had to offer.
I know where my fear originated from. It was while I was doing voluntary work for a charity that supports the elderly. I had to dress as Spiderman and go around to care homes.
On arrival, the organizer said to me, ‘Whatever you do today, make sure that you make physical contact because they no longer get touched.’ It haunted me for a long time.
‘I did not want to hate myself for something I have no control over’
Now, one of my closest friends is a man of 72. He has taught me so much and has an extremely positive outlook on life. I think this changed the way I thought a lot.
As one matures you have to overcome certain things. This was definitely one of them for me. I did not want to hate myself for something I have no control over. With the massive pressure from society these days with the help of social media and smartphones, the obsession of being young and beautiful has never been more shallowly important.
The reason gay men struggle so much with ageing, in my opinion, is because of beauty. I like the saying: ‘looks attract you. Personality keeps you there.’ My advice to a man struggling with ageing would be to find something you love and focus on that rather than your looks. Because when they fade, you may have nothing.
I’m now 31 and feel more comfortable in my own skin. But my fear of growing old as a gay man and being forgotten about terrified me for a long time.
It was the trigger for my short film HIS HANDS, which will premiere at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival in New York City. My aforementioned friend actually plays the older guy in the film.
‘A strange encounter between two men of very different ages’
I put all those experiences and messages into the short, which I co-produced and co-directed with award-winning cinematographer, Darius Shu.
The film tells the story of a strange encounter between two men of very different ages. It offers a stimulating and exhilarating vision of the world and the dark and dangerous society in which we live. It also incorporates strong visual language that’s consistent throughout, with symbolic ‘poetry’ in its framing, lighting and composition. At 13-minutes long, it stars me, Arron Blake and Philip Brisebois.
In it, actions speak louder than words. Tricking someone into a false sense of security for your own gain and throwing them away when you’re done. This film has already received critical acclaim here in the UK and we look forward to seeing what the American audience makes of it.
What I have learnt is that it is crucial that we are nice to one another. Do not let someone’s age restrict you making conversation. They may end up being the best friend you never thought you needed.
For more information about Arron and His Hands, visit the Tribeca website, plus Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
See also
Why I gravitate towards feminine men – but don’t define myself by sexuality
This guy’s honesty on his difficult relationship with porn is inspiring