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Why I gravitate towards feminine men – but don’t define myself by sexuality

Why I gravitate towards feminine men – but don’t define myself by sexuality

Adam Cola | Photos: Courtesy of Adam Cola

Life can be stressful and uncomfortable due to the pressures people put on you to constantly define yourself. At least, it’s been that way for me.

In my 20+ years of living, I’ve attracted and am attracted to all walks of human life. My sexuality isn’t something I walk around owning. It’s personal, ever-changing and it’s really not that big of a deal for me.

I’m friends with gay men who double as drag queens for a better part of their public life. I’m attracted to the person they show in front of me dressed in drag and my attraction has nothing to do with what they have inside their pants.

Sex is a healthy and apparent part of who I am in life. I just don’t see my sexuality as an intro to who I am. It’s like, get to know me first before you judge me.

At this time in my life, I gravitate towards feminine men. So if that’s my coming out – I like men.

People have been pressuring me to confront who I am and admit to my sexuality as if coming out was ever going to set me free. But I don’t find that to be so.

Just because I’ve enjoyed being intimate with men does not mean the same doesn’t go for women. Gender is a loosely based construct if you ask me. And I’ve had my experiences with both.

Upon moving to Los Angeles about five years ago I quickly realized I had the choice of dating who I wanted, be it female or male. In the small town where I grew up you weren’t allow to choose the gender of who you wanted to date. Guys like me were supposed to date and marry girls. That’s the way I was brought up.

‘I’ve dated and had sex with men and women’

Since moving here to LA, it’s been so liberating. To give myself the ability to be open. To truly find what works for me. I’ve dated and had sex with men and women. But in discovering myself, I still ask the question—why, in this day and age, should anyone really care?

What I want to get across with this piece is that who I have sex with has pretty much nothing to do with my makeup as a man. I’m Adam Cola, a male human first and foremost.

I feel there is a stigma that gay men are automatically stripped of some semblance of their manhood because of their same-sex attraction. And I’m here to shut that down. It saddens me to be growing up in a society where boys are being teased for being ‘gay’ because they take an interest in things other boys their age don’t typically take an interest in, such as art or music.

To me, playing sports and being male doesn’t really make you any more masculine than being a male artist who is attracted to other men. It comes down to preference, not a merit of your manhood.

‘We’re all unique and we need to shed more light on that’

I’m a man and I encourage other men like me to own the man they are regardless of their sexual preference.

I want to live in an era that puts an end to stereotypes and the need to categorize people. We’re all unique and we need to shed more light on that. How sad is it that people feel the need to define each other and group them together by sexual orientation right off the bat instead of by the merit of their actions. Let’s be more open minded about sex and realize that it’s a personal thing. And not always so cut and dry.

Attraction is attraction. While I proudly own my place in the LGBTQ community, having to select a label of gay or bisexual or queer is far less important to me as is being a good human being just like anybody else.

Adam Cola’s next single Stylin’ is out 5 April

See also

This guy’s honesty on his difficult relationship with porn is inspiring

How growing up with Grindr taught me an important lesson about dating

Straight director describes his reaction to Heath Ledger’s ‘palpable sexuality’